stay optimistic>think positive>be strong>have willpower>have determination>strive hard

rising wt...

2007-05-07T18:27:00.000+08:00

ALAMAK!

just gained ard 3 kg i guess.

now, i have those thinkings of those fat pple on the streets. nvm la, eat all the gd food. fat then fat lo.

sian ah. i told myself all these after binges everyday. n i m becoming like one of them now cos in order not to become depressed after the binges, i try to forget those binges or tell myslef those words.

n now, too fat too fat.

CAN SOMEONE INVENT A DIET MEAL PLAN FOR ME?

will jessy help?

2007-04-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

crying now again.

jessy(my 1 mth old puppy) is not helping, but i still love her. at first, thought getting a dog might give me more responsibility and help cope with my binges since i will have lesser time to do idle ard which is a major factor for a binge.

she's so lovable, but yet so naughty. but i still love her.

more than my mum now i guess. she can't be bothered with me now. she thinks i m ok being fat. she think binges r fine. she thinks i m rude to her, but tt's bcos i m angry with her for neglecting me and not understanding enough. and as if she's not rude to me. look at the pretence, she speaks so amiably to her friends and speaks to me like i m her enemy.

tt is what appears to me at least. but she claims otherwise. she said cos i started being rude, so she rather not care as much towards me.

i really hope i can be struck by lightning or sth. knocked down by car? anything tt's gonna cause me death but not too painful.

i think god shld b kind to grant me tt since i have been like suffering 90% of my life. it's time to die nicely.

i m not a nice person. so maybe god won't grant me tt wish. maybe i shld do it myself. i can chg fate. all i need is just a little endurance b4 death, and everything will b perfect w/o all the troubles in the living world. no ED definitlely. go away u fucker.

anw, just binged on 3 big buns. fattening buns. those sickening buns bakery sell t is full of yucky carbs and diff filling inside. i m trying to avoid buns, but the whole bag of breakfast was lying right in front of my pig face. no one at home. only jessy who was sleeping.

even after a proper dinner, i succumbed to the buns.. idiot person who invented buns. hate u. oh wait, not ur fault, just hate myself for being uncontrollable.

dearest joan, i don;t think u will b reading this. but i freaking wanna tell u i don't wanna go to tioman now. i have no mood. the only thing i wanna do is shut in my room and cry non stop. but i don't dare to tell u, cos i paid. n i don't want to be irresponsible. i know u will hate me one day, with all the stupid stuff i m doing right now. being irresponsible by running away from anything just cos of binges.

the day is not sure yet. 2 more days b4 we leave. i m not a single bit excited at all. i only want my room. my self esteem back. my normal wt back. my cheerfulness. my joy. everything but sad and ED.

i may appear ok in front of friends, but tt's just a brave front. a brave front. nth but a brave front.

sickened with all the binges.

lost. what do i do?

dear jessy, wake me up from my senses.

4000++ cal????

2007-04-26T19:53:00.000+08:00

i m so sick now.

i guess i need to start seeing a real psychologist, which means the SGH team. evelyn and anita yes, MINUS dr lee ee lian.

i m succumbing to lots of binges.

i m so worried. i can't study anymore. i know it.

i m so damn worried for my future.

i read halfway, i will go and eat. eat and eat. then more full. then more depressed. then cry more.

i binged lots 2 days ago, but i wasn't really v sad. i just thought i will b stronger the next day.

and it was ok. (which was ytd)

but today, i really can't help feel strong again. i binged tons again, maybe even more than 2 days ago.

and i m sad.

shuzhen has became anorexic again. she has abused laxatives again. don't ask me how i know this, but i knew somehow myself. now, everything is falling into pieces. why she had avoided me so many thousand times when i wanna meet her. because she has slimmed down ard 15kg(or more i dunnoe) again to become anorexic and does not want me to see her old state again. she is SELFISH.

pls don't give me the reason tt u will affect me. cos tt's not ur real reason. i feel like blasting at u. all the bad words. u hypocrite.

now i finally understand why my friends had left me when i was in sec 4.

because all the lies tt i had made when i was a severe anorexic. all the lies w/o any support. all the lies tt i had binged loits when i only ate tiny bits of stuff. i was selfish too. i didn't care abt keeping the best freinds i had by my side. instead, i lied to them bad. they trusted me and found out, disppointed with me, esp since they don't really understand this illness.

i only realised it now when i m experiencing it now. all the lies tt she had made unfolded 2 days ago. i m pissed. i don't know if i will forgive her cos i had trusted her so much too, only to find out tt she doesn't regard me as a friend by not replying my msges and rejecting me thousands of times. but right now, i m quite sure i m not gonna speak to her anymore.

i dunnoe really to blame her or not. it's part of her sickness. i experienced it b4. but i m too pissed to think now. so right now, i will blame her.

ok, so maybe i m jealous. like everyone is working hard to lose the excess wt they gained(beaning binge pple). like her, but such tt in an unhealthy way n going into the wrong direction. i think ryan's mentality has not vhged but at least he made a pt to lose to a healthy wt. i have not. in fact, i have long ago accepted this wt. i know it's unhealthy with the fats piling up on my waistline and ard my fats. i wanted to shed those wt. i tried. but i failed. and i didn't bother to persevere. so i ACCEPTED THE FACT.

pros and cons. after i accepted the fact, i m happy when i actually binge on the food tt i like. but i will be sad when too much has gone down into my system. if i had not accepted this fact, i will be unhappy with my wt all the while and become moody by restricting food i like. eat all the soupy stuff, veges and fruits. no way, i can't do it. i will die i think. but i will be happier with having a normal wt and a slimmer body which might be more appealing to the society.

obviously i won't die. i want to do tt but i can't. ok i admit i just love food too much too i can't stop. just don't understand why in the hell i got anorexia.

and FUCK. sorry, i really wanna scold it. my brother just ate a bowl of rice with all the vege and pork and stuff. and ate a black pepper pastry puff from polar. and my grandma was exclaiming:" u terrible ah! after dinner, u still eat this! aiyoh, what a big stomach u got. aiyoh.........." in Mandarin of course.

freak, then look at me. of couse, ah ma always scold me for going out and eat so much, she say i was supposed to be the best looking among my family members, but i eat until so fat until like i look the worst in the family. i agree of course. but her words r wnough only to make me cry but not determined enough to stop bingeing.

ok, i m so pissed with ah ma now cos of tt comment she made to my bro. for goodness, he is like so damn skinny and tall! he is only 54 kg u know and 1.8m. he SHLD eat more. what's fucking wrong with him eating more? why? i m so scared tt comment made by her will turn my bro into an anorexic. yea, i m paranoid. but i don't want tt to happen to anyone ard me. i m scared they might b influenced by me. no, i don;t want anyone to suffer anymore.

i think i will b bingeing the whole of my life. not meaning to be negative but it;s so true. was roaming ard orchard after work which ended at 2pm. i hate 8am-2pm job shifts, i will be like in holy shit cos the whole day will b free. i m like so used to waking up at noon so tt at least i can skip breakfast and eat lesser. though i will binge it is never as much as when i wake up super early. sis says the metabolism in early mornings will be much higher.

and the worse thing is i m having 8-2pm shifts almost everytime now. crap. if i work at night higher chances of me exercising. cos i prefer to exercise in the afternoon. cos at least afternoon nth to do i will exercise. even if i feel tired i also cannot pon work for fear i get fired or got no money. it is a must to work. but if i work mornings, i will be so sian after jobs i rather binge than exercise.

i ate kfc for lunch today. the cheesy melt bbq chicken thing. ala carte of course. dun dare to eat more things with the side mash potatoes and drink. i thought tt will b all since i m full. then i wanted to go sit down somewhere to read my jap bk. i don';t wanna go home cos i thought home is not an exactly safe place too. i might rush out to the market and buy stuff again like i used to do everyday.

then i passed by sun moulin. omg, the aroma of the bread and pastries made me walk in and bought 3 mini danishes. ok, so tt prob started the binge. bough a choclate belgian waffle fgrom sun moulin again. bet they recognise me. i go there thousand days a week.

then again and again.

ok, sudd, click, i m full. i was bloated. shld stop. i settled down and read my jap bk to distract myself.

sucks. 10 mins later, i got up to get a swiss roll from swiss bake.

crap. and it started again. aunite anne's i went. and blah blah.

no place to turn to now. it was 5pm alrd. decided to head home. hope i can don't eat anymore.

sat down read my jap bk. and my sis just came back from indonesia(for work). she was using the comp so i can't use.

i fell asleep after reading a few sentences, i was way too too tired. cos for 4 consecutive days, i had to wake up at 6.30am for work. and i always can;t sleep until 1-2 am the night b4.

woke up, rushed to the ktchen grab food. sucks. major sucks. so bloated.

snappy. down. tried not to talk. then it was 8pm, i switched on the tv and watch the channel u variety show. i just love tt show. so funny. i laughed despite my sadness cos it was really funny. luckily. i was contemplating on grabbing hold of sth sharp to cut. i wanna do tt again. i want. it really help. but this variety show helped me first. thanks.

shoots. snapped at bro and sis who were watching with me. cos they made comments tt i think were wrong. i thought otherwise. i spoke in a fierce way. i rather they shut up. cos i wanna hear nth but funny stuff the pple do on tt show.

today's intake:

2 mini danishes(from breadtalk)
1 slice cheesecake(bistro)--so happy. got free one,. somemore freom swissbake. yums*
1 serving of kfc's cheesey bbq melt chicken thingy
3 mini crossiants--sun moulin
1 chocolate belgian waffle
1 slice of fried bread with ham and cheese--bakery
1 chocolate roll
1 mini danish--breadtalk
1 wedge papaya
1 cheese crab puff--polar
1 fish otah(small one)
1 slice of sponge cake--free one. cooking demostration. i koped while passing by.
some popcorns
1 small slice of fried water chestnut --(size of 2 last fingers)
1 plain auntie anne's pretzel

horrifying man. sucks tday. hate today. somemore mum don't even give a damn cos she's busy with her work. can;t blame her but still no family support is so bad. plus the comment my grandma made. plus the fact tt i didn't even do any exercises. tried to do sit ups but too blated the food was coming out of my throat. plus the fact tt my brother did exercise and i din't. plus everyone in this world is getting slimmer while i m getting fatter. plus the fact tt i think i can;t continue wiht my studies.

OK, so tt's the real thing tt's bothering me. i m worrying for my studies. i don;'t know how. am i gonna be a waitress my whole life? my whole life? my whole life?

ED has ruined me. i don't know if it will affect me for the rest of my whole life. if so, i would rather die. but to say tt, i will not still fight for recovery.

shoots. just asked ryan abt my calorie intake. he says it is abt 4000 plus. omg, faints*. i m the worst of the worst! shoots. shoots. shoots.

ME

2007-04-24T21:32:00.000+08:00

ME --> shld learn from beautiful fighter.
ME --> shld be positive
ME --> shld persevere
ME --> shld plan properly
ME --> shld lose some wt to get more self esteem
ME --> shld be thick skin and cast all criticisms away
ME --> shld have more self-discipline
ME --> shld have the will
ME --> shld limit myself to 2 snacks per week
ME --> shld do exercises tt sweat at least 3 times a week
ME --> cannot always depend on pple
ME --> do more good deeds. gd karma. remember.
ME --> believe in god. believe in sth. it may give me faith.
ME --> eat 6 SMALL meals a day.
ME --> FOCUS.
ME --> DON"T BINGE....

aiyah, shitty me totted up to abt 400 calories i think. i shall choose not to say what i had but it's sickening. seriously.

i hope i can fufil my want lists . be gd.

why?

2007-04-22T01:28:00.000+08:00

i have a bad temper.

i have a negative attitude.

i am stupid.

i have low self-esteem.

i am ugly and fat.

these 5 pts are enough to make one commit suicide alrd. but i m still on earth. why?

because i am COURAGEOUS enough to live to accept these challenges. or u can say i m a coward to actually use a knife and stab myself. just wondering, if the panadols and the gassing could kill me the last 2 times, i would be much better off now in LA LA land.

anw, 10% of the things we do is not within our control.
90% of the things is how we react.

get it?

so to be happy, the 90% of ur time, u have to consider properly the conseqences. then probably, u will have a much much happier ending each day before the beautiful sun rises the next morning to another wonderful day.

tt's was roughly one of the e-mail my mum sent me.

yah, it makes A LOT of sense.

like today.

at the bistro, STUPID Leon was too talkative. talking to teng yee whole night. i was the one running like crazy. showing pple to tables, sending drinks and food to pples' table, printing bills, taking orders. bloody pple. 3 pple at station A leh, and i was running like a mad dog, while they were standing there like dog owners, nth to do but just stand ard and chat.

i bloddy hell want to ask them help me, but i don't dare, cos they seemes unwilling, and they were too involved in their conversations. and i don't want to turn out like a bitch ordering pple to do things.

joan says maybe i can don't see it as ordering them, but tell them in a nice way and think tt they r helping me.

but i can't risk it.

i don't want anyone to hate me. i have v few frens alrd. i can't do w/o any lesser. i don't want any to hate me anymore.

i won't ask them to help me cos they may think i m a bitch for ordering them about which others do tt to me (though of course i treat them not as a bitch but as irritating pple who obviously can do it themselves but don't wanna do it), though of course they have more than enough time to help since they were talking non stop.

in the end, for the sake of not wanting more pple to not hate me, i suffered. i felt like crying cos i was like a mad dog. they acted smart by pretending to b busy when the boss is ard, and talk non stop when the boss is not ard. and i m stupid enough to do the other way round such tt the boss asked me why i was idling. stupid i was just taking a rest since i had been working like a mad cow. can;t i just rest for tt one min? even tt one min must also been seen by the boss?

what have i done in my past life to deserve all these shit in my this life?

WHAT?

ok, boils down to the 90% and 10% theory. if i had listened to what joan said, split the job equally and not have so many negative thoughts, i prob won't suffer as much and not hate tt guy now.

but i. just. don't. know. why. i can't. think. tt. way.

WHY?

got medication from dr goh recently for my stupid depression and over worrying 2 days ago. i hope it can help me relax more and not think so much.

& i can't bloody conc what the hell is in the newspapers right now. cos no wrds can go into my head with my binge urge ever so strong as the oast few days.

SIGH.

I M SUCH AN ASSHOLE

2007-04-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

FREAK ME. DAMN ME. SHIT ME.

I M SUCH AS ASSHOLE.

TODAY WAS WORSE THAN YTD.

started all in ard evening time. i went swimming in the afternoon. i wanted to burn those calories i had over consumed ytd. but halfway i was so hungry but no way, i must finish my 40 laps b4 i can get out of the pool.

my mood was carried forward from ytd. FUSTRATED, SNAPPY, HOT-TEMPERED.

WHOEVER TALKS TO ME, U GET IT. BUT I M SORRY.

MSG ME OR WRITE TO ME, AND I WILL REPLY WITH MY MOST SINCERE HEART W/O SNAPPING AT ANYONE.

SORRY TO THOSE INNOCENT ONES WHOM I SNAPPED AT. SO SORRY.

i m still having the snappy mood now, so don't talk to me. i woke up and banged everything right from the start. get my butt out of this stupid house. go swim, go forget troubles, go do anything but binge. temptation of binge was really great, but i was really full from ytd i went to swim.

came back from swimming, snappy again. why?

BECAUSE nobody in this world cares. i called joan to confirm the agency i need to go down to meet her, but she put down the phone cos she was having tution. no msges or anything, expecting me to know where i shld go. was so damn lost. i called mum, brother to ask how i could get hole of the 500 bucks we need to prepare to confirm the tioman trip. nobody helped at all.

brother refused to come out of work earlier cos he claims he has lotsa things to do. mum is confirm cannot one cos she is forever busy. SCOLDED THEM, BANGED THE TELEPHONE AT THEM, PISSED AT THEM.

i shld control myself i know, but seriously i can;t. every little thing is gonna set me fuming mad.

time to eat to control my emotions. it started out with the thought of eating a hot proper meal. but again, i was past tt hunger stage and thought maybe i shld eat some little snacks since i m not really hungry at tt time after all the crying and stuff.

so as again, i went to tiong bahru to eat cheese tart and tuna pie as usual. BUT................................ it didn't stop. it went on and on. i know i shldn't take so much money out, but i wanted to bring some more cos i needed to buy some accesories for myself.

BINGE BINGE BINGE.....waiting waiting waiting for joan's call....................................................

it never came. only a small msg which shocked me. "sorry, cabbing down now!" from joan.

WTH. i thought we r not meeting anymore since she did not contact me for so long. and her confirmation only came at the last min. by tt time, i was alrd so so so down with all my binges. i couldn;t make my way down to meet her. no way with my bloodshot eyes and my rudolf nose.

she paid for me and my bro in the end. so it's settled and i feel bad for not turning up though i don't even know where tt agency is at.

went to SGH for no reason. thought i might wanted to visit shuzhen in case she's there. i didn't really confirm with her. cos i called and no one answered the call, so i just tried my luck. i had no where to go alrd, so maybe SGH might b an option.

atually i m so pissed with her. for goodness, she pang-seh-ed me so many thousand times cos if the excuse she is feeling depressed and stuff. like what the fish. i mean, if given a normal person, tt person would b so pissed off he/she will not even care abt her anymore. but i, somehow still care for her no matter how much she had disappointed me.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, she actually asked me to leave and put down the phone cos she was feeling depressed and wished to see no one, when i m actually outside ward 46A only. WTH. i feel like scolding her, but i controlled.

i pondered, and i thought actually i was the same as her, or a bit better. tt i pangseh-ed pple cos i binged and feel so down. now i understand why pple r pissed off with me and why my friends leave me like how the others do. NOW I KNOW.

BUT AT LEAST I DON'T DO IT MORE THAN 2 TIMES TO ANYONE. SHE DID IT TO ME LIKE 5-6 TIMES ALRD. SO PISSED.

but i know i will still care for her. i m not gonna ignore her like the rest of my bad friends do. because i don't want to b a bad friend. i don't want to rpeat the things others had done tt i despised. i dont want to be like those unfeeling beasts.....

later on, it was ard 8pm. called mum tt i want to go to junction 8 and walk a bit since she is also heading for tt area. i don't feel like going home. i need to walk cos i m so full.

on her car, she asked me to take some money from her purse cos she needed to buy 3 sets chinese newspaper. so while she goes for her singing lessons, i can help her do this errand.
but she don't know what's on my sleeve. i took extra money from her purse. she has no idea. because i know i want to eat some more since my own wallet has a hole alrd.

yeah, so i ate ate ate some more. mostly thru the "shopping trip" at junction 8, i was looking at food and msging MARIE. i was feeling sad and she was the only one who understands me and will never leave me in lurch by not replying. thanks gurl. i appreciate it v v much.

hers's her advise:

no matter how hard pple try to help, if u don;t help urself then we have a prob cos it all starts from within. i will be there for as long as i can and help u with my best. but if u don't help urself, no matter how much i console u, it's useless.
don't hide behind the shadows and don't give ursself excuses to relapse. just get up quickly when u fall and end this so that u can take control of ur own lufe and u will enjoy life again. trust myself.
i control my own mind. the mind is powerful.

it's seriously not much of a help, esp when it comes to words only. but at least i can see her sincerity by replying to my msg. at least i know tt someone cares and won't scream at me like my mum do. her msg was:"u suffer alone when u eat. cool down."

short, simple, full of criticism. at least to me.

i m so sick of today's intake:

1 mini hotdog bun--lunch
1 cup coffee
5 cheese sausage balls--$2 --from ntuc. just wanted to try
1 cheese tart--$1.50--dinner
1 tuna pie--$0.80--dinner
1 banana kueh--$0.80--bengawan solo. dessert after dinner. i decided this is supposed to be all. shld b enough. but i still went on after this
1 green coconut nonya kueh--$0.50--some pasa malam stall. sucks. i think the coconut has spoilt. no wonder so cheap
1 plate of prawn rice rolls (3 long pcs)--$2.50--wanted to eat for dinner. couldn't find so went to eat cheese tart. but now i found it at kopitiam so i went to eat it. not v nice cos i was so damn bloated by tt time alrd.
1 mini char siew pau--$0.60--binge
1 cup of oreo blended ice--$1.50--from sweet talk. needed sth sweet
1 chocolate biscuit--$0.70--binge. thought it will be nice but it sucked too. it's those kind they sell in bakeries with two chocolate coated ends.
1 mini hot tuna danish--$0.80--faints! so ex.. but lovely from breadtalk. i fell in love with this when i worked in breadtalk but it's so ex i always nv buy when i m outside.
1 black pepper chicken danish--$1--delifrance. damn it. why do they keep having the $1 offer on every item. shoot. and it is not nice at all. it's binge at junction 8.

ARGH. HORRIFYING RIGHT? SHIT ME.

HATE ME, EVERYONE! FOR NO REASON....

2007-04-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

*&(&)(&)#@&_*_*()*!)(&(*^)*&*&^!&(@&&)!)*@_)_!(@#^%^&%^#%&%#!()*)(!@&0(*!)(*)(&(*^#*&^(*&A^(&_)(*_(_)(_)(!^(%#!^@#^#&!%!*!^#*^*!&*&@*&#!@^*@^*&^!*(*!&)#)!@(@&#)*(&)(*_)*!^*^(*()*)(&$()$)(!()()*&()!()$**$*&&$&*^*(&(*#)*)(&)(*)~&(*)(#*)&~^(*~^!&&*~&@^^@(!&())#@*()@)*#@(*_#(_)#(_)(_#()_!*)@*&T@!^%@^!@^@^&@^%!@^%*&^*&!@^@^*@&^9*&(@!*&(*@!(*_)(#_(_)(_#*)@&!@$$%#(*&(#))(#)(*&#(*(!^(**!&&!(^*&#%^%E^#*&(*&(*&#(*)(&(*#^*&^(!)!(*(*)(*)(@*&)(*)!*@)1@&W^^&*&(_)(_#(

GET WHAT THIS MEANS? IT'S VULGAR WORDS TT I INVENTED MYSELF SO TT IT DON'T SEEM TO VULGAR......

I M SUCH A FREAK.

I MISS GOING BACK TO THOSE DAYS WHEN I BINGED LIKE HELL AT HOME SO TT I ACTUALLY WENT OUT OF HOME AND STAY OUT OVERNIGHT COS I JUST WANT TO BE FREAKING ALONE.

AND TT'S WHY I DID IT AGAIN.

BUT WHO CARES? NO ONE....

I JUST WANT TO CRY NON STOP. STOP ALL THESE SHIT. STOP ALL THESE RUBBISH. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO BINGE NON STOP. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG TO CAUSE PPLE HARM. I'VE KEPT TO MYSELF BUT WHO CARES.

BOTTLE IT UP AND HOPE ONE DAY I CAN BUSRT UNTIL I BECOME ASHES.

again.

2007-04-11T22:24:00.000+08:00

GET THAT CHEESE TART AT TIONG BAHRU NOW!
IT'S SO HEAVENLY!!! mmm....
sorry, i m so in love with cheese everyday.
cheese cake, cheese tart, parmesean cheese on cream pasta, cheese coated chips, u name it man. hee hee....anw, for me, it's seriously nice. plus, i love tarts esp when it's so crisp. oops, u know ytd i went to tiong bahru just for a walk b4 my work starts and i discovered this small food fair they have on the 1st floor. yummy, all the food. tarts are si nice i ate 5 of them pls! nope, not a binge, but it's so nice i ate so slowly to savour the yummy taste. ok, so i ate:

1 blueberry cheese tart for breakfast
1 chocolate cheese tart(bluff one lo, i cannot taste the chocolate!but nvm, got cheese can liao hee hee)
1 chocolate cheese tart which is smaller from another brand(not so nice!)
1 mini chicken pie(not v nice)
1 chicken mushroom pie(v v v superb!!!)

i can say i don't regret wasting calories on them. cos they r really gd! asides from those, still got others la, but i must talk abt today also. so here goes:

today, which started at 2am, i was so hungry i got up to eat. went to bed at 1 am but i caouldn't slp. was tossing ard and eventually i felt hungry, so ya, thought of using the comp and grab a bite as well. warned myself not to binge, just take a normal portion.

so, grabbed 2 slices of wholemeal bread and a cup of horlicks. ok, satisfied my tummy, but i can;t slp right away ma. too fattening. so i went onto comp, and saw ryan online on msn. well, he just binged and doesn't sound too well. totally understand how he was feeling but i don't really know what i can do but just to chat with him a bit to keep his mind off the binge earlier on.

(and u know what? read anagem's blog too. OMG, it's such a coicindence pls! she woke up ard tt time to binge too. i mean like huh? everyone who has a binge prob happened on the same day? CREEPY....)

anw, ya, chanced upon my sec school's friend's blogs too. like jasmine, regina and eunice. haiyah, don't talk abt tt eunice alrd la. just so upset with her. i just read only a few lines and clicked off from her blog. cos i don't wanna read abt how she is doing. all i know tt she is fine totally w/o hanging ard sick pple whom i think she is digusted with and she is a heartless person. i might interpret in the wrongly, but this is the opinoin i got from her by speaking her for abt 2 times on msn since our friendship was smashed big time in sec 4. seriously, i m so upset by her actions. she may be upset with mine too, but can;t she understand i was sick? i mean, was i like tt in sec 2 when i 1st met her? tt was the real me, but after knowing her band pple, she has found her bestest friends, and to hell with me, a sick girl. she doesn't want to help me cos she thinks i have hurt her. but she, being a normal girl, don';t she think she has hurt me too? enough of her, i m sick of her actions. disgusted. disrespect. won't talk to her anymore!

anw, ya, ok, i slept at ard 3.30am. woke up 9am cos i needed to work at 11am. ok, so breakfast was quite little cos i was even contemplating not to eat, to treat my 2am snack as breakfast, and i wasnt hungry anyway. so ya, but while waiting for the 111 bus, the coffeshop beside the bus-stop selling all the nonya kuehs were like eyeing me or rather the other way round. i bought 2. and ya, when i reached the bistro, i just headed straight to sun moulin bakery and gorged myself with the mini crossiants. WTH.

OK, SAFE NOW, ALMOST 11AM. i go to work, only to find out tt my manager has chged my schedule to 12pm. so i got 1 hr to kill. mailto:$%^&!*@@!%^&(bad) him ah! i can't stop eating now. i know how to pass tt 1 hr alrd. hunt for MORE food. god damn. binge binge binge gobble gobble gobble. ok, so i know i can actually use tt time to take a bk and read in borders. but hell, the lure of food and the continuation of binge was too great. and $6 all gone within half hr's time.

luckily, marie will be working at 12pm also. i can tell her how i m feeling. and my tears just flowed out while telling her la pls. i m just sad tt i really don't know how to stop the binge monster screaming in my head. i know i can do it, but why did i let it take over me? i m stringer than this, but why why why? issit cos i m tan chi, greedy? issit cos i m not an EDer and just a person w/o a sense of control. and all this while, i have been trying to find a community of pple so tt i can get comfort from them too. what is causing all this??? am i ok or not???

???????????????? and more??????????????????????????????????????????

ok, so work became an enjoyable thing later. go old work at bistro. i love it there. it makes my troubles go away(though not all the time. some customers just gave me headaches which make me do the wrong things and i will b kana scolded big thrashing by managers which is totally not gd thing at all). at least for today. nth much happened. thank you lord for this job. if i don't have this job, i don't know what will become of me. thank you....

ok, somehow, my stomach expanded so big i was a bit hungry after work. no more money, so i rushed off home to grab some food. i fried chicken wings, cos i feel like having one, also with the intention of cooking for my whole family since the cathered dinner's amt is so pathetic with my huge family. and my bro is always hungry!

ate some of the "liao" the cathered dinner sent us. watched tv. did 200 crunches. ok, ate some more. now blogging.

today's intake:

1 slice wholemeal bread--nice. love wholemeal bread. breakfast ard 9am.
4 mini crossiants(sun moulin)--binge.
1 fried tapoica cake-binge. hate it. it sucks. it has so much oil. but i ate all. and god, i had no tissue paper to squeeze the oil at tt tome. so what did i do? baam, finished it! urgh!
1 round tau sar pancake(those green round small ones, u know?) it's supposed to b yummy, but it's a binge, didn;t really enjoy it.
1 v v huge wheat bran cookie(from coffee bean...omg, super huge and sweet, yucks!!!i would nv ever buy it again. waste of money and calories!)
3 chicken meat balls(isetan supermarket)--i think it's a bit spoilt. the meat tasted weird. but i finshed it as usual.
3 fried fishballs with chilli sauce--the fish balls are huge man.
4 oatmeal reg size cookies--from bistro. u know, i didn;t wanna try it at first cos i was put off by tt big cookie from coffee bean, but saw my friends eating so many of them and said they were super delicious. so i tried and oh god, it's really fresh and nice. they are nicer than the prvious batches!
6 pcs lady fingers--dinner. yummy, i miss them
1 thumb sized stingray fish--not nice. but i wanted fish. long time nv had them
1 fried mexican chicken drumlet--oily but i squeezed oil. yummy. u know the advertisement with the mexican wings. ya, tt brand. CP. haha. it's nice leh. whole family said it's nice.
3 bites of fried egg--from the cathered dinner. k, not bad.
some honey roasted almonds--itchy mouth
4 mouthfuls of soya bean milk

actually i wish to add more healthy food in my diet. like salads, fish instead of snacks all the time. my diet seems to be lacking of proper meals with proper food with proper nutrients. but salads and fish like expensive, and seriously, snacks are cheaper. and ya, but actually in then end, the total amt of money spent on snacks is able to buy a bowl of salad. but it's always impossible to be done. cos u know u knwo tt thinking. binge pple u know....

carb binge day

2007-04-09T22:42:00.000+08:00

just read some of the ED blogs.
thoughts:

1) anorexics can be cured. it's a matter of fact whether they want it or not. ok, so norm pple may think reading their blogs are stupid cos they totally have no idea how much ana thoughts there are in their mind. i myself is so puzzled now why pple wanna starve or fast when they are not even the correct size. i will be like hmm hmm, why are anas having ana buddies? do they really wanna encourage each other to be ana? but i've been through tt, and i really can't explain it. i must really say i m blessed to get out of ana because i was not born to b like tt. i was so influenced in my sec school, plus the stress totally overloaded my mind i want nth but to have a skinny skinny body. i was born in a family who loves to eat(apart from sis who is so concious of her wt...oh whatever, she was partly the cause of my ana, but don't think wrongly, she is not ana, just like self concious girls who want their pretty body and will not indulge as when they like it.) so i was like quite plump when i was young, according to my ah ma, i ate snacks b4 meals and desserts after every meal. i can't rem it though. haha

2) i wonder how binge purge pple survive all these hell. i went running cos i was like bingeing a lot and wanted to stop it so went for a jog today. i pushed myself v hard cos i wanted to punish myself. so after the run, my heart was like going to faint. but haiyah, i ran only 6 rounds continous at my stadium. the last 4 had to jog slowly. and so obiously, all the food went up to my throat burning like hell. it felt disgusting as it was constantly at my throat. tt king of feeling when u need to vomit but it's not enough to come out. had to swallow tt disgusting taste of course. bleh, yucks big time! so i suppose tt was the feeling when bulimic pple purge. major sucks. i rather go for a run than purge....

3) compulsive eating disorder pple like me can b cured if i have the right attitude and mindset and determination. BIG PROBLEM is where do we get all these determination? i realise sth when i was bingeing, i was actually telling myself not to. i walked away from the food but somehow, i can't concentrate on other things. i just wanted to eat and tt's all. i mean, like so what if i cannot concentrate? don't concentrate then! wait until we calm down and think logically. don't think abt what had just happened. just look forward to tomorrow when u will be better. i realise i m just giving myself lots of stupid excuses to binge. i need energy(even after i ate a meal tt is) ; i need to eat 1st so tt i can conc on what i m doing ; i can start afresh tomorrow again ; so if i start afresh tomorrow, today can be my binge day. i shld eat lots lots to satisfy my binge urge today so tt tomorrow i can be guai. i mean REALLY, we can survive w/o docs. i had not seen them for ages btw!!!! if we shld see them, maybe it can be once in a while when we can get comfort from some counselling and stuff. it all depends on us. so may god bless me though i only say and nv offer my prayers sincerely to them. well, tt's cos i don't reallt trust them. sigh, i have nth to believe in. so pathetic right. all i know is tt i shld try to be a nice person and do gd things so god will bless me.

anw anw, i believe life is a BALANCE. if i m fat and have this problem, it is a -ve point. but look at the positive side, i m blessed with my sis who offers counselling and a mum who is always there for me. i may not recover in the whole of my life but at least the twice suicide attempts made me realise tt god gave me a purpose to live. and tt purpose is gd for real, just tt it has not happened yet. god is kind hearted. and the bk "5 pple u meet in heaven", one of the pts made me believe in tt when sth unfortunate happen to me, it's not really unfortunate cos the fortune is given to someone else. when i suffer, another gain. one day, i will gain whereas someone else suffers. life is unfair in a way but fair in another way. crap, i hope u guys understand what i m saying. haha.

and hor, i today siao one leh. i went for all the HIGH CARB food. eeee, so irritating. so much fats within me now. boo hoo.

today's intake:

1 char siew bao(breakfast binge)--gobbled them up really fast
1 liang rong bao(breakfast binge)--gobble gobble gobble
2 slices wholemeal bread(breakfast binge)
1 seasoned scallop sushi(snack binge)--i miss rice, but 1 plate of rice after my big breakfast binge was insane! so i ate sushi
1 seasoned octopus sushi(snack binge)
1 and 1/2 scoop gelato(what can i do? i work in a gelato shop. i couldn't stop eating. and i m not even sure if it's 1 and 1/2 scoop. it might b 2. cos i took bit by bit lots time. oops)
1 chipsmore cookie--ate at gelato shop
6 chocolate wafers--(u know the square one? the brand is called munchies or sth)ate at gelato shop
some cranberries, some raisins, some marshmallows, some kit kat--all from gelato shop. i can;t see food in front of me! argh. irritating.
1 plate of chicken bolognaise pasta(Mad Jack)--$4.50. i was tempted to have a nice hot meal. wanted to have baked rice, but too ex. it's 7 bucks.)
1 slice new york cheese cake--cafe gailee($2.40) it's just the correct slice lo. tt's why i always go there. the malay boy there knows me alrd since i frequent there just for the cheesecake. not too big like coffee bean and not too small.
1 pkt daisy choco milk--always drink this when bingeing. cos i need calcium, and low fat milk like the best. my bones cracked like hell when i was climbing the stairs. scary sia. hee.
1/2 pkt of a $2 thick fries--$2 fries is quite a huge quantity. so half is actually lots. and is thick fries!!my god! it's more fattening than Mac's! faints*

TERRIBLE MAN! HAIYOH, I M NOT GUAI. ALL THE FATTENING CARB FOOD,! CARBS! ARGH! but seriously hor, if u want to run good, eat carbs. today i clocked the best timing ever and i ran v fast. i had enough energy to push myself. i was seriously amazed at what the carbs can do to push me.

binge boom

2007-04-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

sian. today is my off day finally full day. i m happy and sad. happy cos i don't need b so tired anymore. sad because i know i will binge. pls lo, everytime i wake up at 12 noon, but now i jumped out of bed at 9am to eat, cos i had didn't really eat lots for the past 3 days since i had been working so hard i had no time to eat or too tired to eat or no mood to eat. yay to those days and boo to today because i had ate so much it could become big binges for the 3 days i missed!

today's intake:

1 mashed potato bun--breakfast(hate buns! but a binge. i eat everything during binges!)
1 vegetable pau--binge(yucky!)
1/2 slice fried fish patty--binge
4 mouthfuls fried bee hoon--binge(bought by my mum for proper breakfast)
3 fried crab nuggets--old chang kee
1 cheese boat bun--breadtalk(i hate buns! but i need cheese, so i got tt. sigh)
2 mini danish--four leaves(and goodness! they r not mini! they are baked big!!)
1 tuna mashed potato tart--crystal jade.(yummy!but sigh couldn't really enjoy it as much since i was quite sad i can't stop. )
3/4 pkt of garlic toast chips(wanted to try it long long ago, now is the chance since i m bingeing halfway)
1 thick cheese toast--deToast(stupid. so ex and not nice. can do it myself at home too. rude service too)
1 plain prata--kopitiam(cannot stop cannot stop)
1 ice cream cone(sick of gelato. wanted to taste how real ice cream is)
1 pkt choco HL milk (wanted to get a choclate bar, but thought shld substitue it with sth else healthier)
1 bar of milkyway chocolate(cannot tahan, saw someone eating, rushed down to cold stirage and bought)
1 stick of chicken--Tori Q(tongue bud was way to sweet, needed salty things)
1 cheese pancake(love cheese. if only cheese has no calories. sigh.)

i actually spent 10 hrs at bugis cos i totally needed clothes. i m so pathetic la pls. i spent all my money on food i actually ignored buying clothes for such a long time. and now, i realised i need cos i only have one pair of shorts for going out apart from jeans(eee, hate to wear them. so uncomfortable. only wore them cos work needed to wear them).

so i was like eat shop eat shop eat shop. pple may consider this as a blessing. oh no, i rather work pls. to hell with all my binges! it's so much my waistline hurts now cos it's trying to expand. and OH GOD, it's so upsetting to actually find clothes bcos my bottom size is an XL. and the largest most shops store is an L. so what does it mean? spore has too many skinny pple? like WTH. really really saddening. and all the pretty clothes don't suit me at all cos i look so fat and ugly. the tight fitting clothes r definitely out cos i will look like i m 4 mths pregnant. to hell with my big waistline.

bugis street has all the nice tops and bottoms but the max the stores there store is an L. so like was quite disppointed. sigh~so now u can actually understand why i spent 10 hrs there. cos i couldn't find shirts or bottoms tt fit me.even if they do, my fat will like be bulging out. halfway thru shopping, i was like wondering if pple will call me black girl since from now on, i m planning to wear nth but black since it makes me look more presentable as i won't appear so fat.

anw, my total amt spent on food was $14.40. sian. fat yet no determination to slim down. how? trying but really hard. and i wonder shld i not work so hard anymore? cos i will be pushing all the binges to one day when i will let the binge control my whole mind such tt i can eat enough for 10 pple at one go? shld i like spread out my workdays such tt i binge evenly and not push everything to one whole day? cos it all adds up to the same thing.

i bought 2 shirts, 1 skirt and i half pants today, and ya, 1 bag to replace my really old and mouldy one.

demin skirt--$24. this fashion. above knee. eee, can see my big thighs. i regretted buying it but i don't want long skirts too. it's ugly!

dull pink polo T--$19. surfer's paradise. nice but a bit too big. bought an XL. L shld b fine for me but i m paranoid. i thought fitting shirts look ugly since can see my fats.(and ya, i m contradicting myself by saying i will b wearing nth but black. ok ok ok, i will only wear dark coloured shirts. paiseh, say wrongly)

black T-shirt --$12. bum equipment. was having sale, tt's why so cheap. not too nice but no choice, i love black and this is the only casual shirt i can find in a suitable size.

brown half pants--$16. surfer's paradise. looks gd but the zipper was sewed in a funny way such tt it cringes at the bottom of the zip which makes it look ugly and too tight. but it is actually fitting. nice material!

dirty green white bag with a few cartoon and words--$15. nameless shop from bugis junction. yay, my sis paid cos she couldn't stand my mouldy bad and offered to buy me one. haha.

huge amt spent today. and i hope i can be more guai tomorrow.

A USELESS JELLY

2007-04-02T22:40:00.000+08:00

i feel so blah blah blah these few days.
like a jelly.
forget abt exercises.
forget abt losing wt.

today's intake:

1 slice chocolate cake(baked by my mum's friend. & do u know how dangerous it is to have the whole cake inside the fridge when no one touches it cos no one in the family except me loves cakes?)
3 cookies (bistro. was like damn hungry at ard 2 pm and these 3 cookies really saved my life. haha)
3/4 plate of vegetarian pasta in tomato herb sauce from pastamania(name is Mediterran. pls don't try this. the tomato sauce sucks big time and the vege is really little!! see, tt's why i nv finish it. in my whole life except during the time when i m anorexic, i always finishes up what's on my plate.ate this cos i was hungry and i long wanted to have a nice proper plate of pasta for a meal, but it turned out to be so disapointing!)
1 double choc chip cookie from Subway(i m addicted to this. i go there to just buy tt cookie everytime though it's too ex. )
2 mini danishes( i m addicted to these mini danishes too! it taste so great i m sure u will jump putta ur seat. ha. from sun moulin bakery. but it's ex lo. 55 cents for one small one)
1 pkt chocolate HL milk(couldn't stop eating so i though drinking sth to make myself fuller which is less sinful than eating might help, but apparently it did not cos i m just too LURED by the addicted food ard me. sicko me! no control! arghhh!)
1 slice of new york cheesecake(cafe gailee stationed at libraries. i love it. addicted to it. i go there just for their lovely cheesecake. cos it's not too creamy not too cheesey and with the choco fudge they put on the plate as design goes well with the cheesecake!)
1 small pkt of 150 cal of multigrain rice chips cheese flavoured(from ntuc. it's oishi brand)
1 slice choco cake(same as morning)
1 slice of corn bread with 1 serving of BUTTER!(mouth super itchy. i had been eyeing tt small pkt of butter for v long. had nv tasted butter for a long time and i had wanted to try it since long ago. so today just spiralled outta control and i ate bread just cos of tt stupid butter to go with. STUPID BUTTER! HATE U!)
7 grapes (ah ma peeled it for me and i have not tasted grapes for a long time so i ate. oops!)
6 honey almonds(binge after the bread cos i just couldn't stop.)

ok, so am i eating disordered or not? am i a compulsive eater? partly i think.

I am so even puzzled by myself whether i am one of the ED pple or am i just finding excuses to blend in with a community of people. i rather belong to ED than to belong to greedy people who are food fanatic. they can't stop eating cos they just love food. because i think like tt i will feel like a big fat pig. i feel like one of the obese person on the streets.

strictly speaking, i think anorexics lead a better life than binge eaters. cos they will have gd grades, care from friends, enough wt to gain back to normal. unlike me, i have bad grades, few friends who actually care since i m not on the verge of dying as i m so damn bloddy fat now, and BADLY NEED TO LOSE WT. so sian lor. just feel like giving up all the running. i wish i can just go on life happily w/o worrying abt calories going into my waistline and filling up my double chin.

argh, anw, sis says i m need to chew my food 20 times b4 i swallow any food. bcos my mouth will b like so tired and the food will become so squashy with food tt i won;t feel like eating anymore. tried tt but it nv works. cos my brain will be like so fucked up abt eating i don't care abt the chewing part. oh whatever.

and oh gosh, i am spending money like waterfall on food. i nv shop for clothes or bags or mp3 or hp cos i know i had spent enough on food alrd. i dare not spend a single bit on more money unless i watch movies with friends. i want to save money for my jack russell but i can't! help help help! i think it's a revenge from being anorexic last time when i scrimped and save like anything to give myself excuses tt i won't spend money cos my family needs it so much. i saved so much money last thing i think it made up abt a thousand dollars. hmm, but now, it seems like i m taking revenge and spending every single cent when i m out, and it's all on food.

I CAN'T HELP IT.WHAT CAN I DO??? MARIE MARIE MARIE, PSYCHO ME AGAIN. I M BACK TO A SQUARE ONE.

a helpless pig

2007-03-28T23:28:00.000+08:00

I AM SO DAMN SAD TODAY!

and i saw an anorexic girl again. whatever la, i was working in a gelato shop which had only 4 customers for the whole 6 hrs tt i worked tt. it's a small shop with few customers and pls la, one of the customer's daughter is anorexic who was drinking just plain balck coffee(no sugar or milk pls, they will freak out!)! why am i so destined to see them?

did god send them to meet me or sth? tt i shld b a eating disorder doc or have some jobs related to eating disorder? SIAO. or issit there are just too many of them tt i can even meet them when i stay at home? like they sudd pop at my house door to sell sth or like tt.

oh anw anw, i m damn bloddy SAD cos i binged so so so much. i feel like i m a pig la pls.
intake for today:

3/4 block of cheesecake(tt kind of big box sold in breadtalk, i finshed 3/4 of the whole block!!)
1 and 1/2 scoop of gelato
2 mini danish
1 sardine puff
1 triangular pc of sushi
3 fried seaweed chicken
2 FRIED buns(those small ones served in western food)
1 BBQ pork pastry
1 char siew pau
1 fried carrot cake
1 slice watermelon
1 curry puff
5 mouthfuls of noodles

a lot a lot right? and i really need slimming pdts! the organic juice, the hot blankets, the pills to keep me going. w/o all these, i have no motivation to do exercise. bcos THE POINT is I CAN'T POSSIBLY AVOID THE FATTY RICH FOOD, SO I NEED TO EXERCISE TO MAINTAIN. i wanna lose wt but it's impossible with my eating habits. so so so, maintaining is better than gaining what. must set realistic goals first, b4 moving on to higher goals.

but i had ran out of the pills like 1 wk ago. and w/o it, i m starting to go back on my binges and wt gain, i have no motivation for exercise, no motivation to watch what i m adding to my waistline. i went to look at the organic juice which miracously helped lots of artists to lose wt, and thought i wanted to try it. but gosh, it's so damn ex. it's $103 for just 3 bottles of juices tt can only last for 3 days. how can i afford it?

i m starting to get negative again with all my binges going on and my wt gain, it feels v v v irritating. oh god, pls tell me what to do?

blah blah blah

2007-03-27T20:55:00.000+08:00

i am so damn freaking scared! the tv beside me is gonna explode any moment. cos the wire just burnt somehow, and i didn't investiate the cause of ut, for fear it explode right into my face eyes, make me disfigured and blind. ahhh, i have all the terrible thoughts in my mind everyday. haha.

even now, i m so damn freaking scared abt the dark. i sleep with my parents most night, squeezing into their queen size bed. haha. i try to sleep in my room, but somehow i am scared. i think of ghosts everynight, and i even felt someone choking me one night. scary huh?

anw, i m so sickened again. i saw an anorexic girl again. hai~i am not angry with them, but the world, the pressure, the society. what had made of all this happen? argh!!! and wassup with the doctors in spore?

hur hur....dr lee ee lian, the most reowned ed psychiatrist on singapore. um, no wonder more and more r surfacing while u have only 1% of recovering patients. quite pathetic ah? but hor, seriously, cannot put all blame on her la. cos some pple are just not ready and are not willing to receive treatment. but still must blame her, cos she doesn't put her 100% on every patient. tt's v mean of her.

yay, not too bad abt binge urges nowadays. just like somehow, sth clicked in my mind tt i m fat enough and shld not binge. even if i do, i guess the amt is lesser than b4...gd for me. but i m still v greedy leh. like everytime see food want to eat tt kind. but of course, must look at my size, so sths i will say a strict CANNOT! yay...but hor, i want friends leh. i think i have v few. cos of many thousand days of missing schools in JC and neglecting friends in secondary. boo hoo...if given a chance, i would really love to repeat my whole sec and JC life. it is supposed to b the most fun of one's life, but yet, i busted it. hai~

anw, i like don't have time to exercise this week leh. cos i am working afternoon everyday. and by the time i get back home, i will b too lazy to do some exercise. haiyah, i scared my stamina will deprove and i will grow fatter w/o doing it...

i feel so lazy now. dont know what i can do from now. shld i surf net throughout? aiyoh, so boring. go running too late liao. i m scared u see. um, go slp, too early liao, i will feel like a pig. read bks too bad cos i don't have any new ones in my house. blah blah blah lah lah lah...

anw, today's intake:

1 raisin scone (breakfast)
8 cookies (bistro)
7 pineapple tarts (home. i m greedy)
3 fried chicken balls (dinner)
3 octopus balls (dinner)
1 serving of kang kong (itchy mouth)
some slices of fried fish fillet(itchy mouth)

greedy hor..aiyoh, could have skipped the pineapple tarts one lor. but they r like so heavenly. don;t know which idiot in my house go and store it here. hai~

the stupid world...

2007-03-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

today's intake:

2 pcs multigrain rasin bread(the 3 for $1.50 sold at breadtalk)
1 vanilla swiss roll(breadtalk)
1 tuna mayo sandwich(Mcafe)
2 mini crossiants
1 curry puff
8 egg rolls
1/2 pkt of potato chips
5/8 of a pkt of yee mee(those zhi char kind)

if i were to arrange nicely into 3 meals, the egg rolls, potato chips, crossiants and curry puff shld be out of the picture. oh well, actually those were meant to be for my dinner. but my pa bought a pkt of yee mee home, meant for my always-ever-hungry-and-skinny brother to eat. but i ate cos the noodles was like waiting there for me for 2 plus hrs since brother has not came back home. sigh~ARGH!

i feel so full throughout the day and i was dying to get a coke light to stop my urge. but there was none in the house and i was too tired to walk out of the house. i only had enough energy to grab hold of food tt is in front of me to munch. and i was just too lazy to do sit-ups, so i just sat in front of boxes-tv and this computer like a couch potato. sigh~

anw, today while at work, i saw a super anorexic girl passed by. she was really skin and bones. sigh, struck up my past thoughts. she wore a long kakhi pants and a shirt prob she wanted to hide her damn skinny legs or she was too cold. it's so pathetic. and i super kaypoh esp when i see skinny girls like these. they get my attention easily since i was one of them in the past.

but that girl just like stared and looked away so unfriendly at me. so typical of anorexics girls, to be unfriendly. i mean, cos they are always unhappy(as research suggested, food is supposed to lighten up one's spirits!), and of course, they looked unfriendly too. according to my mum(which i had no idea what she is saying is trye?). she said i was so cold to everyone ard me. i skipped gatherings, and isolated myself always.

but if given a chance, i would rather be anarexic than having this binge problem. becuase people always give lots of damn to skinny pple, and don't give any damn to binge pple like me. bulimic pple is on the average lor. like pple start to think i m ok and normal and stopped asking how i am now. must i really do sth upsetting like cutting or dieting to get the attention i used to have?

wth. typical of stupid pple. stupid society. stupid world. stupid food. why must they exsit which is causing all the problems? why can't life be filled with peace, harmony, poverty-free, natural disasters-free, problems-free, sickness-free? why can;t pple just lead a normal boring but happy life w/o all the troubles? why why? this world is so ****ingly wrongly formed.

i see the troubles of all girls, and some boys of the thought to remain thin for the whole of their life. must we really be thin to gain the trust from people, the love from people,to be happy all our life? isn't it tiring? what is the world coming to? is thiness the only goal anorexics or even normal people strive for in their life? tt's so wrong, unless for overwt and obese pple. but pls, anorexics, u are so fortunate to not be as fat as us, so stop grumbling and eat the stuff u shld to get to the correct size. and normal sized pple, stop complaining u are fat as it will influence the next person beside u who might get an eating disorder as a result! SHUT UP! STOP SAYING U ARE FAT, BCOS U ALL ARE NOT AS FAT AS US!

why is the world turning to such a food-obsessed place? and why is the world becoming into a more troublesome place?is it bcos we have a price to pay for being more well-to do than our ancestors? oh no,than i rather be an ancestor and not live in such a troublesome society.

no kids for me i m quite sure as it's so selfish to bring them to the world first due to satisfy our sexual desires, and thinking their so cute when they are still babies but w/o thinking of consequences that they will suffer for living in this damn society. i am so ANGRY with people who had not brought their children well up to let them develop all the emotional problems!if u want to have a child, pls make sure u have the time to take care and bring them up into a wonderful person. don't just ignore them because you want your own freedom. because think carefully, once u have a child, u lose ur freedom. pls THINK TWICE.

anorexics, bilimics, binge eater everywhere everywhere everywhere. nth we can do but to stare at their bones potruding through their skin. this is a PATHETIC WORLD.

WTH

2007-03-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

stupid stupid.
can't get rid of u.
to hell with u.
i hate u so much!
or rather, it was myself not controlling hard enough.
shit myself. damn myself.
wassup with all the pushing myself to exercise but yet can't stop eating?
why can't i push myself to not binge?
why can't i do it?
argh!!!!!!!

today's intake:

1 blueberry cheesetart (breakfast)
1 slice butter cake (breakfast)
1 bowl of prawn meepok with chilli and ketchup (lunch)
1 BIG cookie (dessert after lunch)
1 slice brownie(famous amos) (teatime)
1 can coke light (drink)
1 ice cream cone w/o ice cream(just the cone)
3 mouthfuls ice cream (binge)
6 mouthfuls porridge with 2 pork ribs (binge)
7 egg rolls(binge)
5 mini buns(but they r not really mini. i think they are big) (big binge binge)
4 mouthfuls yee mee noodles (binge)
1 cup of soya milk(drink after the run)

i hate the mini buns tt i eat. i am so angry with myself. why shld i eat the porridge and egg rolls which make me disrupt my dinner which made me eat supper? which is a big binge? IRRITATING! KILL ME TO STOP ME! ARGH!

what shit. i m better by not eating a lot a lot at one go. but i m not better from the amt i eat, bcos if i spread it out, it seems a super huge amt!

talk abt being better in front of the ED sufferers. i m no where better. to hell with me man.

S-H-I-T

2007-03-20T19:46:00.000+08:00

S-H-I-T me....
i am such an idiotic person who has noo sense of control. talk abt getting better. rubbish lor.
just binged binged binged today....
so sad so sad so sad.
today's intake:

4 mini crossiants
1oo ml of milk
1 mint chip ice cream block
1 serving potato salad
3 chicken balls(tori Q)
2 nonya kueh
1 med size onion rings(BK)
1 slice hershey's sundae pie(BK)
1 cup aloe vera jelly
5 egg rolls
1 chicken drumlet
1 green bean ang ku kueh

what the hell lor. i was like opening the fridge, sticking my head inside and grabbing food to eat. to binge. i lost my control. i don't know why. maybe cos i felt too lonely. i wanted to eat right from the start before and during work, was anxious to get off from work so tt i can eat, but i never knew it would be such a huge amt. sigh sigh sigh~~~

why ah? and i keep getting insomia nowadays....why? it's lucky tt i don't get up to eat or binge late at night now or else my figure will alrd boom into a bigger size.

ah ma's bday

2007-03-19T00:34:00.000+08:00

firstly, one v impt person i want to thank is MARIE.
u are a super great friend i tell u!
though we meet only abt once or twice a wk during work, i believe u are the person whom god has sent to me to make me change my mindset and make me into a better person.

1stly, i am a more happy person, knowing tt i have a chance of kicking my bad habot of bingeing. (i think i will prefer to call it a bad habit and not a sickness. i don't want to be ED struck. maybe just a love-food-but-can't-stop person. )

2ndly, even though i binge, i don't throw tantrums on anyone.

3rdly, i m still a bit negative but not as much tt i think the whole world hates me. i just accept it lor...what can i do when pple don't like me? i like myself can liao....haha

these 3 pts may not seem great. because my bad habit of eating has not been totally cured yet. i can totally go out of control w/o my green tea fat burner pills. but i don't want to rely on it, but somehow, i just can't stop. so i need it. i need to try harder.

but but but. the fact tt my temper is better is a huge improvement for me alrd since i had always been so hot tempered esp after this binge eating disorder bad habit. as in, not tt i m totally a nice person now, cos i do bear grudges if someone has offended or accused me for sth i have not done. i will take revenge by throwing things at them(mostly in the bistro) to show them i am not pleased with what they have done to me. hahaha. and marie will look and laugh at me for my childish behaviour. hahaha, tt's too bad if someone has treated me badly.

and of course, i m not really shouting at my family alrd. just talking nicely, and beg for their forgiveness first shld i do sth wrong, and not behave like a spoilt child, waiting for them to talk to me 1st.

and today is my grandma's party. actually, had work in the afternoon, but i gave it up to someone else cos i wanted to cook for the party. i love to cook, maybe cos there's food. haha, quite dangerous, but i wanted to cook! but think i regretted my choice. shld have gone to work!!! cos i was like eating non stop since morning till night. shit, stupid me, uncontrollable. try harder!!!!!!!! jia you jia you!

i will prefer not to mention the things i ate. but it's really a lot...party buffet ma...hai~cakes(my weakest pt--uh oh!!) , mee siam( i cook one!!haha...with my mum la...), duck meat, pork meat, chicken meat, chocolate puddings, curry gravy, baguette(my fav!!)...boom boom boom, all into my stomach and my arms, legs, face blah blah blah. aiyoh aiyoh...

yeah, but all cousins were here. nice to see them. and ah ma, happy bday!!!

aiyoh...why cannot stop? so sick man.

2007-03-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

haiyah...

ytd some family problems. felt sad cos i m super negative. actually, it's not what i really think, but got some bits are true la...hai~nvm if u all don't understand what i am saying, i understand can liao. some things don't need to be spelled out to correctly.

and hor, i went ah yee's house to stay overnight lor cos i thought my family and i needed a break aprt from each other from all the quarelling. watched all the shows ah bee had recorded for me. and it was dangerous with tons of tidbits lying at the coffee table in front of the tv. haha, so, i told sth funny to ah bee. asked her to take a cloth and cover the whole table. haha.

yea, in the end, ah yee came home and i think she was quite amused and thought it was ridiculous. she took off, and i was like immed want to attack everything. luckily, incle, ah bee and ah yee all there. prevented a big one. only ate some chocolates though...

yah, slept there. and sigh~woke up nxt morning to eat a lot a lot of things. the urge carried forward from ytd. or rather, it was the greediness tt made me eat. if i m at home, by right, after eating a slice of marble cake even though i was not hungry shld be enough for breakfast, but ah yee's house is like a new adventure food paradise to me. all the food tt i had nv seen b4 tt i want to try. but u know me, once start, cannot stop. so snack all the way.

i left their house at abt 1pm with ah bee, cos all of them either have gone to work or to school.
was at east pt, i really didn't want to eat. i just wanted to look at the dogs there at the pet safari. but u know, i seldom go to east pt. if it was somewhere familiar, i would not have eaten. so, i wanted to try food from there. but it was all the usual- old chang kee, burger king blah blah. everywhere also have.anw, i was like forcing myself to bite the things i first bought at east pt. cos i really was full and didn't feel like eating. it's the greediness tt struck again. and once start, cannot stop.

hai~no more money. anw, tt money came from the $10 intended to top up my card. but i spent only to leave only enough to buy a standard ticket. went home cos don't know do what shit.

reached home only to eat more. leftover porridge, biscuits, chomp chomp chomp. argh!!!!!

so full so full. i went down to stadium. wanted to run or jog at least. but i couldn't. too full to jog. no choice only to walk. but walking rounds is damn sian. stopped after 7 rds and stopped to watch my juniors run. ya, crescent track pple. only recognise 2 of them but didn't go say hello. but too shy and self concious, later they will say how come liping becomes so so fat. then i will even be more sad.

missed those track days. the adrenaline rush from the whistle blow at the starting line. the competition btw deen and me. the expectation of me running a gd timing. the happiness and satisfaction tt comes after the hard core training. but of course, hate the dreadful feeling of needing to run more and more and better. and the fatigue tt our muscles will be feeling after having not giving enough oxygen to our muscles. the feeling makes us slow down and feel terrible. i want it back. but i seem not to repeat those days again. cos i m too fat even to complete one full rd. what the hell.

sian. i want back those slim legs, flat tummy, slim hands, flexible muscles.

today's intake:

1 slice marble cake
1 cup chocolate mint tea
1 slice of white bread with nutella
ard 20 cookies at ah yee's house
2 slices pizza
3 taco pochi balls
3 fried nuggets
2 cans coke light
2 pcs pork rib with at least 5 mouthfuls of brown porridge
5 butter cookies
5 egg rolls
6 mouthfuls fried yellow noodles with a pc of stingray
1 block of choco mint ice cream

a lot a lot. i m back to 64kg. i want back the 62kg i had worked hard to lose. but how to when i cannot even run properly?? sad lor...

a big one... =(

2007-03-08T23:08:00.000+08:00

SHIT.

yea. i BINGED. and it's really damn lots lots. can cry lor...just put on maybe another 2 kg i think. i hate looking fat! i hate wearinh the same clothes over and over again. i want new fitting clothes. not those baggy ones :(

met up with my HC GP teacher today. cos i wanted some advice from her on whether i shld continue my studies at poly or uni. and she said POLY. she didn't really believe in going to uni will have better future, and so i shld go there since most of her friends who attended poly really enjoyed it. i am really so mao(2) dun(4) now. hai~

anw, ya, my urge was like super duper damn strong today. which i don't know why. i woke up, wanting to eat a lot, not caring abt my figure and stuff, not caring abt how the past wk i had been trying hard to lose wt, not caring abt how much money i was going to spend, not caring abt how sad i will feel after the binge.

pple tell me to just forget abt the day when i binge and start a new day the nxt day. and maybe keeping a cheerful attitude might help me. yea, i did that, but how come the more cheerful i become, the more my proper eating plan backfire?

i am really sick of this. sths, i just wait to become a fat, a really obese pple i see on the street. i will just calculate how long and how much i will eat b4 i become like them. i mean, there was no motivation to slim down upon seeing their bodies and feeling tt they are ugly. i mean, don't discriminate fat pple la, but they are real ugly.

so, after meeting my teacher, i ate non-stop. and even b4 tt, i was alrd chomping non stop. nth can stop me i tell u. u sld see the way i gobble down my food. horrible. and i didn't even exercise today. all i do was just laze, sit, sleep and eat. like a couch potato. it's really SICKENING TO THE CORE!!!!

and my mum and i are like always on cold war. i blame her for not taking enough care for me. she blames me for not being sensible enough. and i do not blame the rest of my family members as much. bcos she is the one closest to me, she was the one who sent me to hospital for treatment. right from when i born, she was the one closest to me. and ya, when she starts to neglect me, i will feel tt she needs to take the blame when anythng happens to me. sian~

this whole eating disorder thing is partly due to neglection due to their busy working life. and so, if she had showm me more concern, this whole thing would not have started. of course, the main reason is track and the stress of doind better and better.

i am so damn bloddy sick of everything.

how to end this? HOW?????????

i ate proper meals too. but it just backfired. what am i supposed to do. docs won't help, i myself can't change, friends and family are like busy to accompany me.

seriously, i don't lnow how to chg my mindset. maybe the controlling of emotions is possible. but not the urge. i seem unable to control it. damn me and my damn brain. i hope i can cut tt part which controls my eating. can i???

today's intake:

4 slices wholemeal bread
2 slices cheese
1 slice ham
1 plate of yee mee
1 pkt of big twisties
17 egg rolls
1 stick chocolate vanilla ice cream
1 bowl of steamed custard egg pudding(v yucky but i still finished. eee)
1 mini plain crossiant
1 mini cheese crossiant
1 plain prata
1 pkt instant noodles(420 calories leh---my god. i felt so damn bloody guilty abt it)
2 butter bread rolls
3 mouthfuls of sliced pork

who invented instant noodles?? to hell with u la. it's high in carbs, fats, calories and yucky to eat. boo hoo hoo!

the brain doesn't control me. i have to control it.

2007-03-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

yes!!!!!!!!!!

today, i finally had a chance to rock climb! dear old joan brought me to the yishun safra club to climb the 15m tall wall. woah, at first, i was ambitious, and i thought of climbing the 25m wall. it looks so cool to be at the top!! but sigh, the pple in charge of the rock climbing activity don't allow us to cos we are so called not experienced. but joan is though...oh, whatever.

and crap. haha. i can't even complete half the the 15m wall. think i only managed abt 5-6 m tall. think i tried at least 4 times, but shucks lah, my arm muscles is damn lousy. i can't even support myself properly. was trying to balance and push myself further up, but it seems impossible. i will be stuck at the 5m mark.

when i was anorexic, i tried to conquer the wall at hwa chong. and i managed to.

how FUNNY it is. anorexics seem to be stronger than fat pple. how did all the energy came from w/o enough food? and where did all the energy from the so much food i had b4 the rock climbing go to???

think the word is determination.

yea, anorexics don't have enough nutrition to absorb what they are learning, but why did i get 6 pts for O-levels when i was anorexic, and such a sucky result for A-levels when i was bingeing non stop?

so, the 2 pts here really show me how anorexics can fare better than fat pple. what the heck.

but relax, i won't, because now i totally love food. i will chomp on sth edible i see in front of me. i feel happy if it's in the right amt, but when i tend to binge, i hate the exsistence of food, and just feel sad for not controlling, and blame spore for being a food paradise. every corner like u turn to, there will be food stalls and it's totally hard to just ignore it u know?

and what's up with so many youngsters getting eating disorders too? what's the world coming to? soon, it will be flodding with these kind if pple. pathetic really.

and i really don't want counselling and stuff. as long as i have friends, fun, joy, laughter, i forget abt everything.

i m v clear minded. i know what i want. i realise i choose to be sad after a binge. i can choose not to be sad. instead, i shld just give myself motivation to not let myself suffer anymore.

but sths, it's unavoidable tt i feel sad. i mean, really.

like marie, think she's my role model. i shld learn to be happy like her no matter what even if the world falls down.

like now, at 12 am, when i reached home, i ate. like hello, what time is it now? i shldn't be eating! it's the most fattening! couldn't stop until mum came down after her bath. i choose not to be sad, and said i will try harder tomorrow.

oh my god, but i feel really full now. can die man.

today's food intake:

3 slices breadtalk rasin nut bread(the 3 for $1.50 kind)
2 fried carrot kueh
3 mini danishes--1 sesame crossiant, 1 tuna puff, 1 ham crossiant
1 thick and big fried tou kan
1 pkt of kinder bueno
8 choco cookies
1 nescafe mocha coffee
1 slice of pizza
2 meatballs, 6 starry harshbrowns(pizza hut)
2 butter rolls(gardenia)

actually, it's really quite saddening. from no. 8 to no 10., it's the binge at 12am. if i had not eaten those, i think i would really could have lost at least 0.5kg. woah lao eh.....

i hope for happiness, when will it come?

2007-03-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

binged again.

like what the hell. was sad but not as sad as ytd. i don't know why. maybe i m tired of feeling sad.

where's my dog tt mum had promised me? i want it to comfort me.

wanted to do sit-ups but i was lazy. i did 10 and i stopped. lazy. i will start it tomorrow again. i want to do but i am sick of sit-ups. i am sick of doing so much but my tummy still looks big. it sucks. it really do.

surfed the net to confirm what i wanted to do. i want to study vet science. i want to be a real vet, and not a vet technologist! but i need money for overseas study, which makes me think whether i can cope overseas. if i really do go, i will be on a v tight budget, and if i do have the urge, what shld i do? control, and maybe practising the controlling of urge can make me back onto the normal track again.

i am lost. i want to follow what i really want. but it's not within my means. having ed is a really bad thing for an adolescent like me who can't really enjoy life with many friends ard. must i suffer also because i can't study the course i want. what have i done wrong in my past life? am i cursed this life?

i don't believe in anything. my whole family are loyal buddhists. but i am not. cos i don't trust them. i prayed but i couldn't get well. i gave up on believing any religion. i guess i have to believe in myself. but can i?

i am not trying to count calories, i just write down the amt of food i ate, to scare myself, to make it a pt to eat lesser the nxt day. but it never works. i mean, i write it down, but it doesn't affect me in any way. it's just a note like a journal of my feelings everyday.

i feel fat, lazy, unable to concentrate.

i rather i be anorexic again, cos at least i can put all my focus on study and be a gd vet by having a scholarship to study with my results. at least my focus will not be distracted by food which makes me hard to concentrate on studies which make my results look likie shit on the slip which makes me feel despised in other pple's eyes.

but i won't, and i can't.

but i just want back the self-discipline, the determination, the self-control. not just on food, but everything in my life. all to be back in order.

i can turn to nobody when i binge. only mum, but she offers useless advice. and i don't know what to do. mostly is my own will to get out of the binge most of the times. yea, i can msg friends, call them to let them talk to me to distract me from eating further. but i feel ashamed, guilty to call them and actually tell them: "HELP ME...i m eating non-stop. help help help." like hello, they are busy, who cares abt a pig who wants to eat non-stop.

helpless, useless me. what shld i do to get out of the fix? by will? i don't want. beacuse by the time willpower strikes, it's when i m really damn full and i want sth more helpful to distract me as long as i don't need to indulge in more calories. but what, who is it? who or what is the angel tt can help me get out of the pool of food?

and some pple just don't understand. why bother telling them when they think it's a funny thing? it's NOT funny, it's SADDENING k? trying hard to recover and all u do is just to ask some funny stupid qns which are unrelated, and which u think is funny when it's actually quite hurting for someone to just laugh abt it.

i want to start a whole brand new day again. i want to fill my heart with hope. but it's hard, since i had failed for these 2 days. i want to be back on track for the cheerful side of me, but ya, AS IF I CAN. i only regain confidence when i am back on the track of controlling, but obviously not when i had failed for consecutive days:(

food intake for today:

9 pineapple tarts (begawan solo)
6 oatmeal risins cookies
1 choco chip cookie(cedele)
1 slice fish and chips
2 fried calamari
1 chunky chicken sandwich(Macafe)--which is just chick mayo s/w
1 blueberry michel cake(coffee bean)--totally too sweet, too big and too yucky to eat. wanted to eat a cheesecake at first but it was too ex for a cake for me to buy. so i bought tt which is the cheapest at $3.50
1 block of mint choco ice-cream
1 honey chicken drumlet
1/2 slice baw kwa
1 cup diet coke
1 pkt small fries(mos burger)

i hope i can go die soon.

2007-03-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

what the hell.

morning was fine. hungry but got a sense of control.

afternoon working at bistro was fun too, cos of marie. and mon got quite few pple, so we were quite happily chatting ard.

night was disatrous. (L) won a pair of tickets to PRIMEVAL the crocodile movie. she invited me to go and watch with her. didn't expect her to come to the bistro and wait for me to go to the suntec city theatre to watch the movie. i was hungry then though i took some bites from the food at the bistro, and planned to grab a bite b4 going to suntec to meet lena. but she came, and so we went together.

hmm, all along, i wanted to grab some snacks for dinner but (L) was ard. i mean, i know she's anorexic, so i knew she won't want to eat anything. if it was anything, it will be fruits.
and i will feel funny if i get something to eat alone but not her. i don't want myself to look like a pig. yea, but i tossed tt thought away, and tried to get sth from polar. but nothing looks appealing. i needed to eat sth to fill the emptiness inside my stomach but i don't know what to get, esp with an anorexic person beside me. ok, so maybe i decided tt it will be a diet for me.
and off we go to watch the movie. disgusting movie tt is not worth the money. but yah, it was free, so why not?

for the first few mins, i was really hungry, i wanted to rush out halfway to grab sth to eat. but the show got exciting and all i did when i really went out halfway was to the loo.
then when the show finished, we went down to carrefour to buy some things to eat. as usual, lena bought all the health food-fruits and veges, while i bought a mini pizza which i intended to share with ge.

i wanted to talk to (L) abt her eating disorder, and was thinking of how to help her by saying some words, but she seems reluctant to recover, and i was helpless. i tried to talk deep into her, but she was reluctant.

so yea, there was not much we could talk abt since i can't help her, and she can't help me. and what's with my words tt i say she needed more help than me and i was more to the stabilising side alrd? yea, she needs help. she is v v v skinny with all the deep slashes on her hand, and i don't need as much. because generally, PPLE REGARD SKINNY PPLE AS ED-ed AND FAT PPLE AS OK.

i want comfort, care, but who will give me?

for this moment, i hate everyone. my family, my friends. i hate everyone, inclu myself. i can't understand why pple just can't understand each other so tt they can help one another.

WHY????????

after (L) went home, i just was so hungry i sat down to eat half of the pizza. i wanted to stop as i felt like stopping. anw, i don't need much food. just a little will do to fill the emptiness.
i was at the mrt control station, ready to tap my card and go into the mrt after the pizza, but somehow, i felt the urge, and it was string enough to pull me back to the row of food stalls along city hall. damn it, and there it started. finished the pizza and i was stuck btw more or enough food. i told myself since i had finished more than what i planned to do, might as well go for more.

and tt's exactly what i did.

pple. i need help. who can give me help?

the ans: me, myself, alone.

but when can i ever achieve tt? bloody hell. to hell with me. F**k me! i just want to die, leave this stupid world of EATING DISORDERS. 4yrs plus, and i m still stuck here. freaking me.
managed to reach home. heaved a sigh of relief. but i continued eating. thought i would be safe, but it was not. i was secretly eating tomorrow's breakfast and bro found it in time such tt i only ate one.

cried, talked abt the sufferings and difficulties i had faced just now when i was torn btw eating and not eating. but talked so long, he just don't understand. nobody will ever do except me and i don't know how to cure myself. to heck with eating disorders docs, counsellors. u all can nv cure me.

the most sad thing was tt i had been trying to lose wt for the past few days, and think i shed 1 kg, but it was all back within a few hrs just now with tt bloody binge i had late in the night which is the most fattening for me.
intake for today:

1 chocolate cake
1 mouthful of floss
5 pineapple tarts
subway double choco chip cookie
2 mouthfuls cheescake
2 mouthfuls pasta
3 mouthfuls choco truffle(yummy yummy)
1 mini seafood pizza(carrefour)--size of like the personal pan pizza
1 mini baguette(breadtalk)
1 california raisin cream cake(breadtalk)--sucks, the crm is just too fattening
1 big gulp smallest coke light
1 pkt of sour skittles--to chew sth light to stop all urge on carbs. but the sourness just burnt my tongue.
1 cup of tea with condensed milk

total amt spent for today-- $8/

i want to F myself. i hope i can die in my slp like all the others do. but i know god is not so nice to let me have tt. he will either let me suffer for the rest of my life with ED or let me die a painful death.

results

2007-03-02T23:08:00.000+08:00

shucks....
A-level results were today...and yea, i got a bad grade...really bad...
yea, was feeling ok until the from like 1.30pm, the last hr b4 the results show. my heart was pounding like mad. like hellooooo.....i knew my results will be like shit and i was prepared so why was it pounding so hard and fast?

yep, so i wanted to meet someone to go with me into the school or to the venue where we will gather. msged wujuan whom i thought i am most close to since she's such a friendly girl. thought she didn't like me when she didn't reply my msges. so, i became thick skinned a bit and called her, asking her where she was. i didn't want to do tt, but i wanted someone to accompany me so tt i don't feel so left out when i see others walking in big gps, laughing ard and chatting like they are so blessed with so many friends. i know i am not on v gd terms with my classmates, but i needed someone to act with me, to make me feel so un-akward.

yep, and she replied with a v cold voice. and i thought like ok, she DON'T like me. think in fact she's trying to avoid me. did i do sth wrong? or say sth wrong? was paiseh to actually not know tt she hates me and i actually so thick skin to call her. fine, i am not bothering her anymore since she wants it tt way.

am i tt scary? why do i scare so many of my friends away? am i so loathesome?

hurt, wanted to cry.

thought our class will linger ard a bit first after collecting our results, but it seems impossible because i feel so distant from them, like as if they have their own world, i have my own sad world. let them be happy, let myself be sad. tt's the way it shld always be. and it seems like WJ, LT etc...all are like beggining to heck care with me. but what can i do? i am sick of this, i need solid friendships. but where are they??? expected them to maybe give me a msg but they didn't bother. so, does it mean i am forever hated from their lives?

yep, so i ran straight to mum's car after getting my results. happy tt i didn't fail.

BUT, when i went to work at Borders, everyone was like asking me how my result was. again and agin, and even the manager mr han. like what the hell, u all are spoiling my mood! i was ok, but the more u all ask, the more i feel sad! finally, i couldn't take it, asked mr han tt i had no mood for work, and he was really nice, he let me off after working for an hr only. was so glad for tt. thank u, but pple, pls stop asking me how my result is!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's bad, tt's all.

yep, so i went home, started crying, thinking abt all the differences btw the O's and the A's results. how much glory i had in sec 4, and how much shame i have now with myself. how nice would it be if i don't have eating disorder,

I CAN HAVE FRIENDS, GOOD GRADES, HAVE FUN IN CCA's, LAUGHTER, JOY.

this is what makes up the adolescent's lives! but what do i have?
ED, ED and more ED.

why???????????????????????????????????????

today's intake:

1 med size of sweet popcorn (from the theatres)
1/2 whole pandan chiffon cake (ya, the round one, not 1 slice)
5 mini doughnuts(bakery)--but their minis are not really minis. it's quite big.
1 double choc chip cookie(subway)
1 serving pineapple
1 kiwi
3 pineapple tarts
1 pkt kinder breuno
sliced fish beehoon's soup and fish and vege w/o the bee hoon

my god my god, my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need help. shit loads.

friends in pretence

2007-03-02T00:10:00.000+08:00

yep
gradually, i feel what is the meaning of true friends
and suddenly, i realise i have none.
hurt, dejected, sad.
because i treated them as my closest friends
though i didn't really do anything much for them for long as i can think
is it because i am always not initative?
is it because of my illness that makes me avoid everyone?
is it i don't know how to communicate because my world is just filled with ed and recovery?
expected a little concern, care and understanding,
but all i got in return was some messages
messages are something, but they are simple
it doesn't cost much time to msg.
yep, u may say someone won't even bother to msg when they don't care abt u
but they have to, because we are friends in pretence.
yea, what's with all the through thick and thin?
but yet one don't understand each other?
am i destined to be sick my whole life and only have Ed friends?
while my normal friends get on with their happy life with other normal friends?
yea, i avoid them,
but what can i do?
force myself to fit in?
sorry, i am not such a hypocrite.
what abt being optimistic and be thick skinned?
sorry, i can't do tt, because nobody and even myself can successfully change my mindset since i was ed-struck.
friends take time out from their busy schedule to accompany each other
friends wait for each other no matter if one missed the last bus
friends understand each other and try to hep them if they need
friends help each other when they are sick OFTEN till they recover
friends stick with each other through thick and thin, happy or sad
friends cheer each other up to make one's world brighten up
ok, so maybe tt's not classified under not-so-close friends.
but what about for close friends u sticked thru for 2 yrs and more?
do they care less abt u when they meet other more attractive friends?
yea, i m not really a good friend, but nor can i say abt others ard me.
but don't u just feel hurt if friends closest to u in ur life start leaving u just because u are sick?
i feel hurt, and definitely others will.
but at least they have back up from more new normal friends,
and we sick pple just remain more lonely and more lonely.

intake for today:

red bean paste from a red bean bun(threw away bun cos i m totally sick of breads)
1 bowl of meepok
1 choco ice cream stick
1 tuna and mushroom pizza thick toast
1 mini choco danish
1 walnut ring cake--super yucky and thick. regretted buying it.
1 serving watermelon
1 blueberry muffin
1 diet coke from the small big gulp 7-11
1 reg fries--guilty
6 oatmeal raisin cookies

felt so full the whole day, but just kept stuffing things into my mouth. i lost control again. how? i really am at my wits end.

the ultimate-est...

2007-02-27T23:34:00.001+08:00

siao today. urge just cannot stop. and i can't control it. not tt i can't, but i just let it give way.

today's ultimate-est intake:

2 slices coffee swiss roll(begawan solo)
1 hotdog bun(begawan solo)
1 otah bun(breadtalk)
1 bowl mee siam(hawker centre)
4 taco balls(smaller a bit compared to ping pong ball)
1 plate chicken carabona(han's)--v nice. i just love pasta
1 slice american cheese cake(han's)
5 winglets(kfc)
1 big thick slice of durian cake(cake history)--v guilty abt this. cos it's big, cheap and yucky to eat
1 fried vandai
3 fried cheese tofu

oh well, how did i get so much money to buy all these stupid stuff? i only brought $4 but i ended up buying so so so much. because i applied for a POSB atm card! i nv see the queue in banks so short b4, so i joined the queue since mum has been bugging me to get one so tt i can draw money for raising a dog, and not for food of course. she will keep and draw for me if i need. yea, all secrecy bisted, but can't help it.

sian lor, my life is all abt using mooney to buy food, but nv clothes. tt's why i wear the same shirts everyday. i want to buy new ones, but thinking upon how much i spent on food, i don't want to waste any more money. and all clothes will look ugly on me also cos i am a fatso.

anw, quit globetrotters today. woah, cos they assigned me as the greeter today, and it's really damn irritating to just stand at the door and stare into space. for me, it will just be a bad dreamland. i will start to think of how sick i was and all the bad stuff in my life. then i started crying because i felt so damn sad for myself. what the hell....then i told jones i can't take it. i can't earn money like this. i rather quit. so i told him. ad he asked me what happened. i wanted to explain, but i was so choked up in my throat i can't speak anything.

um, like hello, what was happening to me???

but i managed to choke some words up tt i really hate working there. if not for the money, i will quit from the 1st day.

luckily, he asked me to wash up and go. which means tt is my last day...woo hoo!!! haha...bye bye...i don't need to see sarah's black face, hear jones' bo liao instructions who don't respect his staff's decision. he must make sure we ask everything b4 doing anything, not like borders, which ramesh said we don't be so bo liao to go ask manager everything we do. we can make some decisions ourselves unless it's sth v impt. stupid lor...must we follow law everytime?

anw, went down to sam's pet and aquarium afterwards to ask if they need helpers. yep, they said they wanted, and promised to call me by tonight. what the hell. today is over. i really hope they do call. but i saw how pitiful the dogs were in their cages. all of them were sleeping but they are like only a few mths old. i mean, at these age, they shld be v v active, and they can only sleep all day? it's terrible, i really wish i can can help them:(

saw some clothes today at toa payoh, since i was free after quitting my job. still had some time to spare b4 i get home and watch tv while doing sit-ups. all looked pretty on the model, but definitely not me. sighed but how but how?

i wanna lose lose lose wt! i really hope i can starve myself tomorrow, cos i just gained 2 kg from eating so much today. i just wish i can have a sense of control. like last time, even when i started bingeing. when i binged too much one day, i will starve the whole day the next day. but now, like everyday must eat. damn me lor.

i really want to slim down, look pretty like other girls, try some new clothes.

exercise, diet, pills, slimming programmes. i want all!!!!!!!!

pure madness.pure sadness

2007-02-25T20:28:00.000+08:00

today's crazy intake:

1 chocolate muffin(0.80)
1 cup cafe mocha (1.20)
1 chocolate pancake(mr bean)(1.10)
1 slice garnesh swiss roll(1.00)
3 potato wedges (free)
3 cuttlefish balls(free)
3 slices lemon chicken(free)
1 plate of chicken chop(kopitiam)(4.50)
3 brocoli and 3 carrots as side dish to the chicken chop
cold pasta as side dish to the chicken chop
1 cup milo ice-cream(1.00)
2 nuggets(free)
2 plain prata with curry(1.20)
1 fried vandai (0.50)
1 slice chocolate cake (han's) (1.20)
1 slice berries sponge cake(from angie's)(1.30)
1 bowl of cheng teng(1.00)
1 slice of new york cheesecake(cafe galiee)(2.40)

what's wrong? i ate a v v v full proper meal and yet i ate like tons. ya, i have a soft spot for cake, but must it be i eat until 5 today? i hate hate hate myself!

i don't know how in the hell i can stop myself. i didn't plan to bring so much money with me, but subconciously, the money tt i had saved b4 plus tips from borders plus myu pocket money for today, it adds up to $16. is damn damn irritating!!!!!!!!!!

and i want a dog. i don't know. everytime when i think of having a dog, i cry. because i want it so much but my mum is always lying and i don't know what she says abt allowing me to have one is correct. yea yea, pple sy i can go to spca to volunteer if i love dogs. but pls, it's totally diff. i can't possibly go down everyday, and it's like most days i am unhappy. i need someone to cry out when i am sad, and a dog will just be my best companion. who knows, i may recover better with one. i want it so much i cry everytime. why ah? i don't know??

and i think globetrotters is a sucky place. it has so much food available i can always eat there and save money, but i can't resist the temptation. i go there and eat in addition to what i binge outside. it is sickening to see so much food which starts my urge even if i don't have. i am gonna quit soon i guess, but i need money. and who will hire pple for just a mth or ard since i am going to poly(i HOPE I HOPE I HOPE)??? i need to earn money to raise a dog if i have one(I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE)!!!

i want to cry, scream, shout, and kill myself! damn irritating. i want to lose wt. everywhere i see are pics of girls with the perfect slim body, advertisements of wt lose success, and i get sad. every single day, every single article whether it's on the newspaper or magazine, every tv advertisements, everyine on the street. i see how they dress up because they can afford to with such beautiful bodies. i want to be like them, but somehow i don't have the determination. the will. the power, the passion. because like all my passion all lies in eating now. it gives me a sense of satisfaction, a high feeling thought it's for a short moment only. i want to dress up, i want to buy new fashionable clothes and accesories, but whatever i out on is just a pc of JUNK/RUBBISh cos i am fat.

i just want to give up the thought of being pretty, being fashionable. i just live day by day. live to eat. not eat to live. live to waste time away. live to be make myself fatter. live to make myself miserable. live to cry. live to be scolded. live to be in pretence.

no sense of achievement, control, true happiness or joy.

i miss those feelings.

pessismism

2007-02-23T23:43:00.000+08:00

hai~
joanie, keesh, deen and me went to sleepover at deen's house last night. we only reached her house at 12.30am cos they were waiting for me until the closing time of borders. mum fetched us there.

sian...somehow, i didn't really look forward to the sleepover at deen's house cos i thought i was in a different world from them. i was no longer my sec 2 normal old self, and i expected a communication breakdown. i don't know what i will be talking to them.

but on the other hand, it was nice to see them after not seeing them for such a long long time. i wanted to see them so much but yet i fear seeing them. they are my friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin in the past when we were totured by track and they were my closest friends who knew abt my condition the most. but yet, i fear seeing them...

i don't get it.

and true enough, when we settled down at her house, we talked of course after not seeing each other for so long. yeah, the conversation mainly revolves ard guys, love, dance, and things tt i don't understand but they do. i am a sua gu, yea, and tt's why i couldn't blend in with them. they talked abt all their friends and i was like nodding my head and pretending to laugh yet i don't know what's going on. of course, some are true laughter. but yea, the only time when i opened my mouth was to ask:"who?" , meaning i am referring to the pple they are talking abt which i don't even know a single bit. or else is when they ask me qns, which is mostly abt my sickness.

i realised i drifted a lot away from them. i really don't know what to say. i really don't know what they are talking abt. i felt like going home halfway because i do feel left out and i just don't fit in. but they are nice pple who specially arranged this sleepover for me. it was supposed to be a day's outing to monitor all my meals but apparently everyone is just too busy to do tt and i feel paiseh for giving them so much trouble even though it may seem not so.

joanie suggested to me abt the day's outing trip with me b4, but i was reluctant to agree. paiseh abt bothering them, afraid of ED leaving me, scared i spoil their other plans esp since i am not worth their care. i am not worth it. i am a damn sicko girl who can't seem to recover.

and oh my, why are tears pouring out again now?????????????????

my urge was super duper strong when i woke up at ard 6.45am after slping at ard 3am. because i think i wake up to eat everyday. i will just jump out of the bed most times in the morning, thinking of food. why are deen's damn pineapple tarts on the table. an itchy thought. i wanted to take it. i wanted to hide in the kitchen and steal what was available.

NO NO NO! we arranged to eat breakfast together. i cannot let them down. URGH! i want to go home. i cannot take it. tried to slp but i was just thinking abt FOOD. shit. but i pretended as if nth was happening to me even though i was struggling inside. it was damn damn hurtful. keesh and joanie woke up and we talked though most of the times i was stoning and not listening to what they were talking abt cos i was concentrating on controlling my urge.

i NEED to EAT, to BINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

finally, deen came down at ard 8am, and we talked and stoned until 9am before decideing to eat breakfast. since joanie and i had to work at 11am, there was no time for an outside breakfast and we decided to save money. so we snacked for breakfast. was looking forward to a proper breakfast, but it was just a repeat of what i do everyday at home. pineapple tarts, kueh lapis and stuff. it was really uncomfortable eating like this. how am i supposed to take the food i wanted from all the containers with all the pple ard??? i felt so damn uncomfortable. i wanted to eat but i feel so greedy to eat in front of them. so so so greedy like a pig. i feel so greedy even though i know i ate the least.

i felt full though even though my stomach was growling in the early morning. yah, but i KNEW KNEW i will be buying sth later when i am outside just b4 going to work.

and as usual, i am v particular abt being punctual. i rather be early and not rush than rush until i have a heart attack. planned to leave deen's house at 9.45am and deen said NO i can't go so early or else i will start eating any-o-how later. omg, she guessed correctly. but how do u want me to survive on a few pineapple tarts and a pc of kueh lapis from now until 5pm when i will work work work, walk walk walk the whole day esp when i am the runner today.

i mean, i can do it last time when i was anorexic. but obviously, i cannot tahan now!!! der... and u know i can always tell this to deen and suggest i shld eat more but i can't bring myself to it. i don't want others to see me as a greedy pig. i associate as eating in front of familiar pple is to tell others i am a greedy pig. and i don't want that, so i kept quiet.

yep, so i bought lots of food to fill me up to satisfy the urge i can't do when i was at deen's house just now. shit lor. me. i don't know what to do with myself.

even when i was at work, my urge is still v strong. but i was the runner, and it was like so busy hell. my whole body was wet with perspiration. oh, smelly me. but it was fun. i like to be tired. i like to be exhausted. it gives me a sense of satisfaction tt i had done some work out. i was singing and sending all the drinks at the same time. cos i like to be tired!! u know, i felt much happier here sending drinks to customers than suffering from the struggle of my urge at deen's house.

ya, but today was damn terrible. i don't know what's wrong with me, but i just can't stop. even after work, i still feel like eating. i was too tired to go elsewhere and buy food, so i thought of going home to just eat a proper meal. but home i went, and all the cny goodies went down my throat. the "liao4" for today seems terrible. and i am too lazy to buy food, so again, i am eating super unhealthy food.

and again, again, again, until i finally stop at 12 midnight.

today's intake:

2 pineapple tarts(deen house)
1 slice kueh lapis
2 mouthfukl choco cake with 4 rapsberry
1 cheese and egg burger(subway breakfast)
1 pair of butterfly (fried stuff--u know all the you tiao and stuff)
1 mini cheese mochi
2 mini chocolate crossiant
1 cup iced cafe latte
1 slice pandan cake
10 prawn rolls
3 pineapple tarts (my house)
2 cashew nuts biscuits
1 and 1/2 slice oily baw kwa
5 kueh bangkit
3 mouthfuls of yee mee
1 red bean ice cream

a lot right? like i can nv lose wt because of my screwed up thinking.

and what's up with my friends problem thing? like i can't click with anyone. because i always have a negative feeling tt the other party hate me for who i am and just pretend to be concerned abt me. what's up man? i hate myself. what's up with pessismism?

powerful words etched in me

2007-02-21T11:59:00.000+08:00

hey!!!
everyone!!! wishing u all a v happy chinese new yr!!!

but oh shit oh shit...all the goodies are making me fat!!! and i am working everyday cos everyone needs to go visting during chinese new year. but i only go in the night cos my mum is also working everyday in the afternoon, so i followed suit by working. then no time for exercise. even if i have, i will be too too tired to do it. damn damn, so my tummy is really growing bigger w/o my sit-ups. and now, i have lost the mood for exercise. I DON't WANT TO GET FAT!!!

aiyah, anw, the past few days also didn't have time to blog. and the past few days wasn't v gd, esp ytd!!! my god, and i need to blog abt this.

ytd's intake:

4 egg cake(the new yr one)
6 pineapple tarts
1 cheese and egg burger(subway)
8 pcs chicken cheesesticks(burger king)
1 rocky road brownie(spinelli)
1 mur cake(polar)
1 cup capuccino(Macafe)
1 pkt small fries(kfc)
3 fried sotong balls
1 fried spring roll
3 mouthfuls of alio e ogli (borders bistro)
1 apple pie (han's cafe)
1 fried japanes curry doughnut
1 penne with turkey breast salad

tt's super a lot!!! i was unhappy but not really sad until i cry and feel depressed. i was unhappy partly because i ate a lot, but the main reason was because of my failure. i tried and struggled for so many times. u know, i went into the food shop, i hesitated, went out, then stepped back in again cos my urge was unbearable. i think i continued this for abt 5-6 times. i was totally stuck btw the thought of eating and not eating, or rather bingeing. i was so so so urgh.., STUCK. it was a real terrible feeling i can tell u.

but i went to work, and somehow, i turned crazy. i was v high, i kept jumping ard and talking nonsense. maybe it's the sugar rush. maybe it's my emotional thought tt i want to forget abt what i just did and not feel miserable. maybe it's my psychological thought tt i shld just jump ard to burn what i just ate(though it doesn't help a single bit. ha.) somehow, i didn't feel sad, just guilty, but just a minor feeling, and tt couldn't mask my "high-ness". maybe i had enough of feeling depressed. i hate tt feeling. maybe being happy can make me think positive, and not feel like eating.

sigh, anyway. went home. jie counseled me. we took a big risk. she tried to talk to me, i tried to listen w/o shutting her up. we expected the counsel to turn into a big fight. but it didn't. cos she continued to talk, i continued to listen.

her words:

look at things in a different persperctive(the positive ones)
i must be on drugs to prevent my so-ever-often agitation and bad temper
i must be on drugs to have a hormonal balance to prevent my mood swings
i had a big change since i was with anorexia. she said i was v kind hearted last time since i kept everything to myself and don't flare up like i do now. but huh?? the supressing of feelings made me commit suicide twice. so i explained to her tt i am prob sick of bottling up my feelings and express it whenever i can. after she understood, she said i was always to the extreme. last time i kept too much to myself, now i express and flare up too much. i shld just e in the average.
she said i must try to go for therepeutic yoga lessons and meditation
she said i must go volunteer and not hestitae at SPCA since i like animals and it may be a therepy session for me.

i kept these all in mind, even though the words from my mouth say tt i don't like her, actually my heart still cares for her. not really a lot though, i admit, after she scolded me upteem times to wake me up from my ED self even i told her not to.

i am going to fufil all these to make myself a better person and not make the pple ard me disappointed with me . first, i am going to Eunos to see Dr Goh. ok, i am going soon. wish me all the best! :)

shitty hell morn at 2am with what a new yr start

2007-02-17T02:27:00.001+08:00

food intake
time/date
reasons
remarks
1
1 thick cheese bread
16/2 – 10.30am
breakfast
gd!
2
1 cesar salad with salmon
16/2 – 1.45pm
lunch
Yay. Finally tried a nice salad!
3
1 slice tiramisu cake
16/2 – 1.45pm
Dessert after lunch
Bit guilty.
4
1 chicken stick
16/2 – 5.15pm
Snack for dinner
Love it.
5
10 pineapple tarts
16/2 –5.45pm
Greedy. Try samples.
Paiseh to keep going same stalls to get free samples.
6
A slice of pizza
16/2 – 9.30pm
Bistro had wrong order.
V v v v v v v v v v v guilty
7
2 pcs bread with ba kwa
17/2 – 2am
8
1 pc bread with jam
17/2 -- 2am

9
2 char siew paus
17/2 -- 2am
House has too many new yr goodies. I had to eat sth!!!
Shit big hell.managed to stop only after mum woke up and found out. I cannot keep doing this. How???i am feeling so damn guilty abt it now!!! I promise myself to do it again!!! I can’t eat at night! It’s the most fattening! I need to keep constantly remind myself tt I don’t want to become a fat pig!

flood of tears

2007-02-15T15:52:00.000+08:00

binge.
cry.
binge.
cry.
binge.
cry.

idiotic me. i had no urge but the tan chi me got started on a nonya kueh and everything fell to pcs.

today's intake all in half and hr:

2 slices wholemeal bread
1 bowl of humongous fried fish cutlet hor fun with fattening gravy
1 super duper oily spring roll(i could taste the oil and even when i finshed it, the plastic bag was filled with the remains of the oil which could fill 20ml.)
2 super duper oily sotong balls
2 nonya kueh
1 pandan chiffon cake

it's really a bad day. wanted to register myself in temasek poly today for the vet tech course. asked my cousin to bring me there, but i waited for him for like 1 hr. he said his lesson was at 1pm and he had not even reached the tampines mrt station at 12.30pm where i was supposed to meet him. worried he might be late for class, i asked him to take a direct bus to tp himself and don't need go one big round to accompany me.

heck, he said ok. immediately, i went to eat. or rather binge. i was waiting so long for him, waiting for him to come to my rescue from bingeing. waiting for him to share the gd news i didn't have the urge today and i did well by not eating anything while waiting for him. waiting for me to bring me to tp so tt i can finally enroll myself in a course i find tt i like.

but he said, ok, i can go myself 1st.

damn, i didn't directly ask him for help. didn't directly tell him tt his presence will save me from bingeing, cos i am ashamed for always depending on others. i have to be independent, but i can't. everytime i am left alone to try to be independent, i fail most of the times.

was angry with him. but it's not his fault. the one i shld be angry with is myself. i am not answering his msg, i am not answering his calls, cos i blame him for not understanding me. but it's not his fault. it's my damn damn fault.

felt lost. cried. called mum, she didn't bother. she decided tt it's time for me to stop relying on her. but what i need was just some comfort words from her, but all she could do was just to nag, scold, nag. i hung up the phone, but i needed her voice.i called her, she said hello, i put down. repeated and repeated cos i just need someone to be with me, but not to scold or nag.

cried. cried. cried. when can i get well?

wanted to meet a friend who is at SGH but i didn't tell her, meaning to give her a suprise. i need to talk. i need to talk to someone who has ED also face to face. not on the phone. it doesn't help. little joanie was v v nice to msg me and ask me to rant on her if i want, but i don't want to. i mean i can't scream at her for nothing. she has been trying to help me, i can't possibly do tt to her. no.

but my suprise turned out to be another unfortunate event. she had left, skipping an appt with her psychologist.

what can i do? my sadness was to the max, to the deepest valley of sadness, it couldn't go any further down. so, i felt numb. felt nth until when i reached home.

when i am typing this, and cryong non-stop again.

love in the air

2007-02-15T01:19:00.000+08:00

ha.
funny.
pre valentine's day, i was suddenly craving for love.
ok, sounds disgusting.
longing for some love. yah, tt's it.
not the love from parents, not the love from friends.
but love from another gender.(u know what i mean)
never thinking seriously abt this type of love. yes, maybe once in a while, just a glimmer of hope but never too strong.
but hey, this shows i am straight. am a girl. ha.

valentine's day has arrived.
everywhere i see were couples, flowers, kisses.
a lost feeling in my heart.
had nv been in tt type of love.
but had crushes all over.
but it's ok
cos of my illness
i know it's impossible.

food journal

2007-02-15T00:58:00.000+08:00

today's intake:

1 fried curry doughnut(breadtalk)
2 slices raisin multigrain nut bread(3 for $1.50)(breadtalk)
5 spoonfuls porridge
3 fried chicken nuggets
3 fried prawn balls
1 (mr bean) green bean biscuit
1 can coke light
1 cup tea with milk(toast box)
3 spoonfuls of arrabiata(penne) which made me feel like vomitting
1 can nestle mocha
1 orange

ytd's intake:

4 slices of bread with margarine and jam
1 bowl of prawn noodles
1 fried you tiao(2 stick together)
3 pcs tapioca in high fat high cholesterol coconut milk
1 can coke light with lemon
1 chocolate truffle (size of 2 ping pong balls--just tt it is rectangular)
1 tiramisu crunch ice cream

can anyone tell me which is more? i lost my sense of estimation.

wasting my youth

2007-02-13T00:32:00.000+08:00

heyz...
felt bored after a normal breakfast today. so i just kept on eating, knowing tt i can't concentrate on books or even too lazy to go out to shop which may turn out to be a bingeing session.
wanted to go swimming to stop the urge but it was damn sunny and i didn't want to harm my body with over exposure of UV rays. but i realised tt isn't the way, i will just keep eating more and might feel too full later to go swimming. so, finally went at 12.20pm.
as usual, came back tanned. think i look more like a malay now. drank coke light and ate some biscuits and choclates. i was even thinking abt eating them during swimming. my urge is real strong huh...
cut the coke light can and tried to do some ornaments like those kind u see pple selling on the street, making them into vases or cute animals. well, mine turned out real ugly. but hey, it's interesting! i want to do more to improve on it!
reached novena one hr early cos my work doesn't start until then. then cos i ate too many biscuits which are sweet things, i wanted sth savoury, and once i start, as usual, i couldn't stop. gobble gobble gobble. yucks, sucks.
went to work. worked. and it was sarah's birthday. woah lao, all staff had to 'donate' $5 to give her a $100 voucher!!! includ me, no way man!! she's so mean, and i have to celebrate her bday for her???
went off from work, parents fetched who just ate dinner cum supper with lao shi. ankles were hurting. felt so gd to rest.
and just talked to gong yue on msn who is a super smart girl. realised tt she is going to melborne to study vet science. same with elizabeth. woah, i admired tt. i wanted to be a vet long time ago, but i gave up tt thought really quick, cos i though my results couldn't get me through with my eating disorder. imagine going to a overseas country and binge non-stop, wasting money when i m supposed to be saving money since the school fees are so expenssive alrd. then i thought abt it, and realised how nice it will be to go there and study with them. i want, i really want. and i realised tt maybe hospitality is not my cup of tea. i realised tt i am watsting my youth by having this illness. i want to get out of it fast, fast, fast!!
food intake:

4 tau sar buns(the kind of 6 in one pack)
4 choclate sticks roll
~30 groundnuts
1 curry naan(breadtalk)
1 chicken pie(prima deli)
1 can coke light
8 fortune cookies
1 slice chocolate swiss roll
3 fried prawn nuggets(old chang kee)
3 fried chicken wrap(old chang kee)
2 potato wedges
5 taco bells(size of ping pong ball)

a lot hor... bad bad binge.

yet another enemy

2007-02-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

the continued list from this morn...
couldn't concentrate on anything. papa and ge were cleaning the piano room which stored lotsa junk cos we are planning to buy new beds for me and ge. cos poor ge is sleeping on a lousy matress with all the spring coming out. ya, anw, i wanted to help them but i couldn't bring myself to it. i was like finding food ard the house and munching on sth almost every min. i tried to pull myself out of it, only to pull myself deeper into my ED self. i couldn't stand it, ran out of the house with $4 to buy some food. went to the market and bought 2 main meals at one go. u know how fast i finshed my oily chicken rice and a plate of dry oily char siew noodles? 3 mins. woah, i was suprised i didn't choke.
came back home, and mum called to ask if we are ready to go out for lunch. i was like still in a binge mood, contemplating whether to confess my urge or to just pretend i had eat nth and eat whatever she buys. by then, i was so full i couldn't move. i lied on the bed, feeling sad, shameful and guilty abt myself. was whining abt how i can't move.
brother came and see me and talked sense to me. sis came back home from don't know where and she saw me lying on ah ma's bed in her room, and cos we are not on good terms, she didn't directly ask me what happened, but ask brother. no one answered her, and she went downstairs to complain to everyone to ask them to tell me to get off her bed cos she needs to pack her rm. tt was bad enough alrd, as though adding insult to injury, like she didn't care abt my feelings, and all she cares was for her room. fine, i got off cos i don't want to hear and see her freaking bloody voice and face.
i hate her, she hates me. we are enemies, i am fine with tt.
hey, and one thing to note. i didn't throw a tantrum even though i was feeling angry with myself for giving in to the urge. all i did was just lie down on the bed and didn't even ask anyone to give me a look in the eye. i didn't ask for anybody's compassion and sympathy, all i wanted was some silence and calmness to think it thru myself.
and sis bloody hell came to me and scolded me for no reason. yes, she meant well, she wanted to scold me to wake me up from my ED self. and HELL, SHIT, u BITCH!!!
how many thousand times have i told u not to scold me. u do not even talk to me cos i think ur words just make me more agitated and may hate u more. but here again, u want to provoke me????
i was depressed enough and u shouted at me for like out of the blue. how worse do u want me to feel? depressed until i get a knife and kill both of us??
i can tell u, i am v v v hot-tempered, and at tt time, i really wanted to strangle her. it's not like she don't know i can't take the hard way, or else she will be the one in trouble or she will make me feel worse. anger rose, my ears were flaming hot on fire. i totally bloody HATE HATE HATE her.
i shouted at her back. we shouted and threw pillows at each other. i wanted to cut myself to relieve the pain. who kept all my broken glass???
mum, ah ma and brother all came to douse the fire btw us. yes, a 'supposedly' nice console by her had turned into a heated argument and prob enemies for life. i can tell u, she's a mean evil person, cos if she had meant well, she wouldn't have shouted at me 1st, bcos she knows i can't take it. so, she was meaning to harm me all along. the bad will get ur retribution. i hate u so much. i wish u can go to hell, and of course, myself, but i hope both of us don't meet.
mum consoled me, calmed me and asked me to forgive and forget. sorry, i want to but the hatred is just too much for me to bear. her words are v v v hurtful. u can try tt by being her sibling or just stay with her for a week. she has hurt me more than a thousand times with her words, and i can tell u, my start of anorexia was 30% cos of her. cos she was damn skinny and picky with her food. i learnt to be like her.
enough of tt bitch.
mum brought me to toa payoh pasa malam for a walk to calm me down. i couldn't talk for the first hr. it just happens. words seem to b stuck at ur throat when everything ard u seems so bleak. but managed to cheer up a little later on, bought a few clothes.
and to work at globetrotters i go. and oh my god, realised tt they were so mean they cancelled wu juan's name!! now, i can't work with her anymore! and now. i really feel like quitting!!!
sigh, mum dad came and fetch me, and went home. saw my big big ENEMY and we were like snotting towars each other. ignored and as long as she speaks a word, my heart fills with hatred and anger. i know she's wrong, but i am worng too for bearing such a big grudge. i want to tone this hatred down a little but it seems to be impossible. is there a anti-anger pill, cos i m really hot tempered when provoked. but relax, my bark is worse than my bite. i wonder if this has to do with my hormal imbalance cos my menses still haven't come.
the continued list from this morn:

1 plate of steamed white chicken rice(omg, i ate all the skin and fat!!)
1 plate of dry char siew yellow noodles (omg, lotsa sesame oil!!!)
4 potato wedges, 4 thick fries, 2 calamari

so guilty. so shameful. so sad. so angry.

when can i stop?

2007-02-11T11:17:00.000+08:00

hihi...
woah...slept 11 hrs ytd. woke up at only 1pm...
and what happened? chomp chomp chomp gobble gobble gobble. all the breakfast, all the biscuits. don't know how to stop it...drank coke light again. stopped a bit. ate ate ate again... urgh...wanted to exercise...tried to do rope skipping. stomach so full i felt like vomitting. gave up. don't know what to do...watched tv, managed to stabilise a bit. went out at 4pm to go for work. know it's too early, but i can't stay at home. brought only $1 so cannot buy much things. reached isetan basement, bought fruit with my money, tried samples, walked ard, went work.
phew. work is safe. but didn't feel as depressed as ytd. marie the comedian is working with me. she made me laugh till my stomach hurts. cheered up a little, and it's all thanks to her.
off from work, and mum dad came to fetch me. funny, got taxi claim, and they still come again. but it's ok, a bit touched but still feeling the distance for them lying to me...
reached home, watch tv, they slept. all slept and i was alone. urge strong. tried to find sth to eat. couldn't find anything on the table, then convince myself god doesn't want me to eat and i am too tired to eat. yeah, managed to not eat. then went to sleep...
food intake ytd:

1 small char siew pau
1 tau sar mian jian kueh
1 pkt bee hoon with fireh noah hiang
24 pcs almond biscuits
2 sticks choco hazelnut rolls
~50 groundnuts
1 can coke light
3 slices of sweet pear
samples to roughly the size of a pau

today is a brand new beginning. yeah, u r right...woke up still having the urge...chomp on whatever was availavble. even still eating as typing now...
i ate and still eating:

1 roll chee chong fun
1 cup kim kueh kueh with lotsa oily sweet sauce and chilli sauce
12 pcs almond bisciuts
4 sticks choco hazelnut rolls
1 orange

SlasH...

2007-02-10T01:22:00.000+08:00

sad sad sad times infinty. i don't know when can i ever smile again.
tried to force myself go sleep this morn when a phone call by lei lei woke me up. cos i didn't want to start my binge earlier shld i have one later, esp after my so late night snack last night or rather morning. a delay is better than nothing. sigh, but the phone was ringing incessantly at 11am which woke me up again after i went back to sleep from the 1st call. ah am was bathing and i was waiting for someone to pick up or the caller to give up. but urgh, it just won't stop. and then, i woke up.
rushed down to grab food w/o even bothering to brush my teeth. gobble gobble gobble. finished all the breakfast alrd. what shld i do? look for more food. opened the hamper parents got last night when they left me alone to join a party and left me to die on my own. gobbled gobbled gobbled on biscuits. no stopping. no choice, went down to the minimart to buy coke light to stop the binge. it did help me temporaily, but i was so immersed and in love with ED, it was not enough to stop me. chomped on the grounded peanuts in front of me. couldn't take it. brushed my teeth to stop it. to no avail. ah ma saw and didn't care. no one to complain to, no one to comfort me, no friend or family i can turn to and i really didn't know what to do.
last resort: SLASHING wrist, feeling pain might stop ED from haunting me further.
realised tt the best way to slash wrist since i didn't have a pen knife at home was to break a mug and the sharp edges cut really well. did tt. ah ma cried. i cried, but i did it. slash slash slash. not too deep cos i fear death, but not too gentle so tt blood can ooze out.
it calmed me a little upon seeing the blood and feeling the pain. and i stopped. wondered if this shld always be the way to stop. i don't know. maybe i did tt so tt i can get concern and comfort from pple and myself. maybe i want some attention, but the result was nobody cared. must i really end my life to end my misery. the isolation and depression is killing me. it's worse than death. but no one knows, no one understands, no one care.
so sad tt i needed to eat, needed to overcome the lonliness in my empty heart.
went bugis planning to go pray, but think the result will just be a bad lot and "the sick will not recover" kind of lot given my current situtaion. so forget it. i eat, eat, eat to make myself sick, worse since i can't be better off anyway.
mum pretended to be concerned abt me and met me there b4 going to work at her turf club. i requested to buy the green tea fat burner pills, and she agreed. our commuincation was thru sms, and not a word did i speak to her cos i am angry with her for cheating my feelings and making me so terrible these 2 days.
she went work, i went work, ignoring each other. fine. i don't care. i am just a lonely sad fat girl who is waiting for death to strike cos i am a coward to commite suicide.
the 1st half hr of work was terrible. my slashes were fresh and obvious and my tears were rolling out cos even at work, everyone was ignoring me. i had to clear up, take orders, set tables all by myself. it was raining within me. tears fell continuously, i don't know if i can continue work.
as the night came, it became busier and busier. and i had no time to think of sad things. every min was filled with sth to do. i was glad, but i wasn't happy. i felt numb, which a sense of overwhelming sadness filled at the bottom of my heart, as though reminding me tt it dominates my heart and soul every min, and i can't get rid of it. i was like tt, am like tt, and will be like tt. sadness is me, i am sadness.
work ended, mum & dad pretended to b concerned abt me and came to fetch me. they think they can make it up for what happened ytd. stupid them. i can claim for taxi, and yet they came. where were they when i most needed them, and why did they appear when i don't need them. are we destined not to be related by blood? if so, god, pls take my life away.
now at home, crying as i blog this. when will i ever see sunshine and rainbow instead of thunderstorms and floods?
ED made me ate these:

3 slices gardenia corn bread
12 pcs almond crackers
4 sticks of choclate hazelnut sticks
~40 grounded peanuts
1 fried yam meat ball
1 chocolate nut scone
1 mocha chip ice cream
4 pcs of chee kweh with v v v oily chai bo
1 bowl of papaya milk dessert
4 mouthfuls nasi lemak rice
1 v v v oily fried chicken wing and drumstick
1 mini choco doughnut
1 mini cheese stick
4 pineapple tarts
small plate of pasta(from bistro)

pls go away...i am so tired

2007-02-09T01:47:00.000+08:00

hi...
this is the continued list of my bad day from this morning's binge.
went swimming at ard 1 pm and oh my god, came back so tanned and red. haha, was quite amazed by this result. i wanted tanned skin but not so bad. i bet 2morrow will be so painful i cannot even touch it.
stayed at home, but only thinking abt food so went out at 4pm, which i had 2 hrs to kill b4 i start work. went to get some food cos got the feeling of must eat sth cos i just swam, so need to replenish my energy even though i ate so much this morn. whatever it is, just a small fruit will also do. but as i ate, the more hungry i felt. so, bought fishballs and wanted to eat more more more, i feel like bingeing. i considered eating a proper meal but the idea of a big plate scares me out since i ate so much just now. i shld eat sth light! so, after the fishballs, i look ard and ard at food sections everywhere u can find. but another voice told me not to eat since i ate so much in the morn. moreover, i m trying to lose wt. luckily, i heeded the latter's words and managed not to buy anything. phew....sweat sweat* i am so relieved.
work was quite ok, and marie was there! haha, but too bad she is working inside and i am working outside, so didn't have a chance to talk much. just gave her a brief account on my recent happenings and how i am coping.
ended work and i called mum to ask her if she was fetching me. sad cos the ans is no. and she dares to tell me ytd tt she prob can't fetch me cos she will have dental appt in the evening and if she were in pain, she will go home and not fetch me. but i called her to find out tt she is elsewhere enjoying some party with her friends. i mean, i don't mind her playing and having fun after such a stressful day, but she told a LIE. and i totally Hate her when she lie, she made me hate her for tt moment. yes, hate is a strong word, but yes, hatred filled me. don't know why, maybe the more u love someone, the more u will hate tt person if he or she betrays u.
went home by myself. bathe, rushed teeth, and i settled down to watch tv. usually don't slp right after bathing. feel fresh ma...anw, started to have the urge, left over from this afternoon when i was gazing at all the food yet controlling so well. curry puff left over on the table, choclates, everything tt i see, i grab. HELP! but nobody could help me. everyone has gone to sleep and parents are somewhere enjoying themselves when i am suffering at home. i really feel like crying. but no one could help. i felt so so so miserable, but nobody could hear my cries. finally, mum came back with breakfast for tomorrow and while she bathe, i ate ate ate, gobbled gobbled gobbled. she found out and i stopped. but i had lost my senses by then. i wanted to scream so loudly , i wanted to punch someone so hard, i wanted to throw things , i wanted to do everything to get rid of all the fustration i feel with all the food problem.
and i started tearing newspapers, stabbing old matresses with a pair of sharp scissors, screaming so loudly tt the whole block can hear(i am serious, not exaggerating) just to rid of the pain, the miserable feeling, the unhappiness, the fustration, the guilt.
mum was there, pretending to cry because i can't see her tears while she pulled me to her face to ask me stop doing all these crazy things, and i screamed at her too. why the heck do u want to bother with me? can't i even vent my fustration when i am feeling so miserable with no one to care abt for me? esp u, STOP shedding crocodile tears, and u r even worse, u have no tears. u unfeeling creature, u go away.
hatred, isolation, fustration, anger, guilt, saddness, lonliness, sick, tired.
this is a mixture of feelings i am having now. i hate myself, and i am so sick of trying anymore. i don't want to try anymore. i am so so so tired. ED, PLS PLS PLS LEAVE ME ALONE! i am so tired, i don't want to fight anymore. either tt, or pls let me die. pls...
food intake contined from this morn:

3 chilli fishballs
1 orange
1 pkt of butter biscuits
2 pineapple tarts
1 curry puff
1 M&M's peanut milk chocolate
1 apple cinnamon muffin
1 bluberry muffin

i am really tired. just go away. i am so sick of my own tears. i am willing to trade my years of living just to feel happier.

gd old wed, bad new thurs

2007-02-08T12:10:00.000+08:00

hi...
woah...amazing. ytd was so great. no sense of urge or anything. i felt so normal!!(:
went to work at globetrotters ytd at 11am. oops, got a scolding immediately once i stepped into the restuarant by bernie and christine. told them i had forgotten abt my schedule ytd, bet they didn't believe from their expressions, but who cares? i don't mind if they fire me, just feel tt it will b such a pity tt i haven't work with wu juan b4...luckily, there was no sarah ytd, and no position as a greeter. i was just a normal waitress waiting to take order and clear dishes.
at 3pm, i was off from work. feeling hungry just now but not now. but thought tt i had to eat sth to prevent a big B from coming later. somehow, craving for onion rings, so went to burger king to buy a medium pkt. woah, they cheat money one lor, why don't they sell a small pkt, so tt i don't need to waste $2.60!!! realised tt i still had 2 and 1/2 hrs to kill b4 my borders work start at 6pm. didn't know what to do, so thought of going to borders and read some bks first. when i reached orchard mrt station, realised i can actually go down to takashimaya basement to try all the new yr goodies samples!! haha, typical kiasu and greedy singaporean. wanted to save some money by eating those cos i was still not feeling full from the onion rings. yep, and i walked 3 rounds of the whole entire fair stationed there. so means i went past every stall 3 times to try their samples 3 times. haha, bet some of them recognized me by the look they had given me, like the kind of you-greedy-pig look. oops, time to go...haha...too bad my soft spot is cookies and chocolates and all the sweet stuff. think all the bits of samples add up to abt the size of 7 pineapple tarts and 2 egg rolls.
still had an hr to kill, went over to borders then to read some baby blue comics...had no mood to read bks with all the tiny words. am feeling so lazy now. everytime i read those kind of books, feel like giving up or turn to eating. i wonder how i can continue my studies this yr later. so worried...
then went to work today. nv see marie...wanted to tell her how good my day was, but she was not there to share with me. saw gacinta, yeah! she's a friend who makes me feel like i am her friend, and i really appreciate tt. saw pearlyn too who is a pretty and nice young lady. but saw marie, the always haolian person. and u know i dislike haolian pple who thinks they are the boss when they are not.
work was okay, but towards the end, there was a runaway bill and luckily, they were just drinking 2 pots of cammomile tea. not so much money lost. ha, oh yah, shah, who was just promoted to manager, was so funny, she brought 2 cups of tiramisu, 3 bowls of panna cotta, and a black forest cake into the kitchen for us to share. though there were a lot of pple and all we ate was just a few mouthfuls, it was fun to share and the taste was damn delicious!! pple reading this, go borders and try the cakes!! esp the tiramisu, super nice!!!
closing time came, and we were joking ard and laughing ard so much. i guess tt was one of my best days working there!! i like laughter, but it seem to be lacking so much in my life. sigh**
mum gave me a suprise by turning up to fetch me. yay, don't need to run for the bus alrd! and she bought me a pink shirt for new yr cos i am never going to buy one, thinking tt i don't deserve new clothes cos i am fat and whatever i wear will just be too ugly on my fat body. oh well, it was nice alone, but when i wore it, i guess it sucks cos again i am just too fat.
didn't feel like slping at 12 am so watched some tv. at 1am every mon-fri, on animal planet, there's this animal precint, which i watch quite often. it's abt police officers who catches pple who torture animals and take care of the poor animals(mostly dogs and cats) and i will always be thinking how wonderful it will be for singapore to have such a system. i will want to be part of this team. i really love animals, esp dogs!!!
ok, time to sleep at 1.45 am, my eyes are closing....gd night!!
food intake for wed:

2 pandan chiffon cake
1 slice of fruit multigrain bread(breadtalk--the 3 for $1.50 kind)
1 cup coffee
1 med pack onion rings
1 cup iced milk tea
7 pineapple tarts, 2 egg rolls
3 mouthfuls of tiramisu, 2 mouthfuls of panna cotta, 1 mouthful of blackforest cake
3 spoonfuls of green bean soup

and now, for the BAD BAD thurs (which is today)!!! urgh!!!!!!
yucks, sucks!!! i woke up to see no one in the house, thinking of going swimming again after breakfast. wanted to eat only half a bun, in the end, ended up eating 3 buns and 3 slices of bread! faints...drank jie's nescafe mocha too! shit, going to b kana scolded for being a greedy pig later. i even grabbed $5 to go to the market with no sense of what i am going to do. shld i eat a plate of noodles or rice or whatever? NO NO NO. 2 voices quarelling in my head. the devil---ED, and the angel--myself.
help!!! in the end, bought coke light again, thinking tt it might save me again like last time. just finished one can and it is helping me now. but feeling so guilty from the so many bread i had eaten! u know, i am so totally scared of bread now, i m just so sick of it, but tt was the only thing in the house, and there was no one to watch over me, and there i went, busted. somemore, bread is so damn fattening!!! shitty hell with me man.
intake this morning:

1 tuna bun (cake history)
1 char siew bun(breadtalk)
1/2 apple cinnamon bun(cake history)
1/2 egg ham bun (cake history)
3 slice gardenia milk bread with lots of margarine and kaya
1 cup coffee
1 240ml can nescafe mocha
1 300 ml can of coke light

help help help!!!

uh oh!

2007-02-06T23:42:00.001+08:00

heyz...
did sth bad today, which is pangsei my job!! actually, was supposed to start work at 10am at globetrotters today, but i woke up at 9.20am!!and i need at least 45 mins to travel to there!! i wanted to pack some breakfast, but i see the gardenia white bread loaf, and i was pissed off. i don't want to eat tt rubbish unless there's jam in our house to spread on the bread. but hello, there's only pathetic kaya! was pissed off alrd for being late, and more pissed off bcos i can't eat??? so ironic hor, still thinking abt eating when i am in such a rush. saw the $10 not mum left me to top up my ez-link card today, and i was pissed with her too. cos i asked her to fetch me to work cos she works at toa payoh and will reach at 9am. then i can get a free ride and not worry abt being late since i still have so much time left. and i told her my work starts at 10am, bu i bet she clear forgotten abt it, tt's why i woke up so so late this morning cos i didn't get a morning call from her. another thing i was pissed off with her is tt i told her $10 is for my ez-link card and she needed to give me extra pocket money for lunch. yep, can't blame her cos she so busy working she has forgotten all abt me...and i need to be independent, but all the morning rush made my temper rise...and there's NO food!!!
so, decided to not use the $10 for my ez link card but for my food money. got another ez link card instead(my grandma's). in this rush, i forgot to bring my handphone and my precious $10!!! but i didn't realise tt until much later. still had abt $5 of my own money(which i didn't even realise it was so much) and when i 1st reached novena, i used the money to buy a bun from breadtalk for my breakfast. by then, i was already late by 15 mins, but i didn't even run to my workplace. because by then, i realised i didn't even feel like going for work, and was thinking since i was late, pretend i see the time wrongly and report at 11am instead. meanwhile, i shall spend my $10! but alas, this is when i realised i had forgotten to bring the money. no choice, so decided to spend my remains of $5 on other food. plus the ez link card (grandma's) still got some money. can buy a decent breakfast from MacDonald's. by then, it was already 10.45 pm when i finshed all my money and i was alrd contemplating not to report for work, giving an excuse tt i am sick or forgot my schedule. see, i mean if the pple and the working environment is gd, i will not keep giving myself excuses to not turn up for work. i mean, it has nv happened like this for my border's job.
so, decided to go bugis to pray god to guide me to become a better person. called mum later to ask her fetch me back during her lunch period cos my ez link card has totally no money left. but when she saw me, she couldn't stop reprimanding me, saying i shld not get the binge urge the better of me, and tt i shld turn up for work and stuff. i was alrd sad and guilty enough for skipping work , and u are there harping non-stop! she was pissed and i was pissed. so we both didn't talk to each other during the journey home, and she drove recklessly to show how displeased she was with me.
i was v v sad at tt time, thinking tt i m nothing but trouble to my mum, and i always throw tantrums. felt tt i m not gd enough to b her daughter, felt tt i shld just leave home, and she will lighten her burden so much w/o caring abt my well-being. and when i reached home, saw the $10 on the bar counter i had left it there just now, took it and left the house, knowing tt i want to eat to overcome my overwhelming sadness. mum went to bathe cos she was feeling sticky and didn't know i went out. while walking, i was stuck between the i-need-to-eat-to-cover-my-sadness and the i-am-v-fat-and-i-can't-go-on-bingeing-like-this thought. wanted to but a plate of duck noodles, but later took back the 1st thought and just bought a coke light. all along, i was v curious on why ryan is so crazy abt coke light, so i decided to give it a try myself.
then walked back home while drinking. woah, the gas from the carbonated drink totally filled me up and heck abt rice or noodles! i am so full i didn't feel like eating.
ya, slept little cos i slept late last night and was feeling tired. then woke up feeling full and decided to shake some fats off. did some sit-ups and skipping. and suddenly pei pei, one of my globetrotters collegues called me at 5pm to ask me to take over her shift at 6pm. then she said i was supposed to work this morn and asked why i didn't turn up. faked an innocent voice to say i didn't know abt it. heck care lor. i knew globetrotters called me 3 times but i refused to call them back cos i didn't dare. oops...know i shldn't b doing this, but i really don't like it there. tomorrow still need to go there, hope i do turn up and not back out at the last min!
so, watched tv the whole night and felt my itchy mouth needing sth to chew on. so, ate some side dishes from the cathering service, and some fruits.
tried to control cos morning really ate too much lor. and i finally sucummed at 8.45pm, when i ate quite a lot of chicken, the gong bao ji ding which is super delicious.
so tt's abt it, so totally sad abt how little my determination and tahan-ness can be. it is so easy to deter me from work. shld be more thick skinned and for the sake of money, shld just ignore those mean pple there(actually i m just talking abt the stupid sarah!!)
my food intake for today:

otah cheese bun (breadtalk)
2 slices toast with ham and cheese (breadtalk)
1 cup of milo (breadtalk)
3 hotcakes with margaine and maple syrup (MacDonald's)
1 balck pepper crab puff(Han's cafe)
1 can coke light
2 stalks cauliflower
1 and 1/2 serve chicken
1 orange
5 triangular cubes of toberlone

it's more than 3 meals if u split everything up for the 3 main meals lor. hai, failed again today. esp the working thing! i sld have turned up!!

i am still fat

2007-02-05T23:41:00.000+08:00

hi...
hmm, felt a strong urge this morning the moment i woke up. and i am feeling so warm despite the slight breeze...it must be because of the beef patties on the cheeseburger i ate ytd. damn beef...i shall hate beef...don't know why, i hate to feel warm, i rather be freezing cold which gives me the feeling maybe i don't have enough fats to cover me. haha, which means i have lost wt or sth. although tt is always not the case, because my hands are cold now, but i feel normal with my normal body temperature, and i am so fat. maybe because i am not eating enough meat, but just too much carbs and fats which is soo soo soo super fattening, which makes out the size i am today. but too bad there is not much meat lying around in my house, so i don't get enough of it. and i don't understand why. i am so fat yet my menses haven't come yet...why huh??? maybe if it comes, my hormones can be more balanced and i won't have so many emotional problems.
anyway, ya, brother tried to stay in the kitchen to prevent me from eating too much breakfast. i was pissed off for controlling me yet grateful. argh!!!the so different emotions together struggling btw the ED person and myself. when i wanted to eat more than what i should, i kept wondering how to distract brother so tt i could get into the kitchen to sneak some food. but hell, it was impossible, so i decided to go for a swim to just curb it. his presence really made me calm down to think.
ya, but was searching my goggles and i put all the blame on my brother again. cos he did some housecleaning 1 mth ago, and everytime i couldn't find my stuff, i will scold him for putting elsewhere. but it's true lor, after he cleaned up, he had forgotten where he put my stuff and i can't find it. then, threw a tantrum at threw the things all over the place while i was searching. woah, my brother is such a nice nice person, he put the things i threw back nicely into its place. felt so guilty...but too thick-skined to say sorry, so i rushed out for a swim, taking my sis's goggles with me, so tt i don't need to throw things anymore.
and gd, i went at around 12pm. the sun was big and bright. yay, i can get a tan! i hate to be so fair. i think it's ugly. i like tanned skin!! though i was quite breathless, overall satisifed because it beats eating non stop at home!!
anyway, was really tired after the 45 min-swim, went straight home to lie down on the sofa, but was feeling a bit hungry. ah ma cooked prridge and i ate a few mouthfuls, cos i thought it wasn't enough foe ah ma, brother and me. i wanted them to eat more since i caused the house to be void of food. but i totally had the urge, or rather the hunger, or rather the need to chew something(my teeth seem to be craving for sth cruchy, juicy). so, i found an excuse to go out, which is to go bugis to pray then go work direct. but actualy, my main aim is just to get sth to eat first....took some RM to change for sing dollars cos i didn't dare to ask ah ma for money. felt tt i shouldn't take mney from her, and ge might scold me for taking the money to go out and binge later. but i just wanted to eat a proper meal with sufficient money, but still i didn't get from ah ma. bcos of all the scolding, the suspicions, all my actions had became so secretive, like i am commiting a crime like tt. don't like tt feeling, but mum didn't leave me any pocket money for today, so what can i do?
i got $2 sing when i went out of the house, so i went to eat a plate of rice. ok, still feel like eating, but i sat down and think over tt this isn't the way, i have had enough.
then, i went to tiong bahru cos i know there has a money changer. i needed money to buy some hair ties cos many of my one disappeared or snapped. ya, i got $6 sing. anw, i went to eat 2 slices of swiss roll cos wanted sth for my snack, sth sweet after my meal. drank a ice blended red bean corn drink also. ya, but tt was all. didn't really feel like eating more. actually, the 2nd slice of swiss roll can be avoided, but i was stuck btw a so-used-to-binge-urge and a enough-is-enough thought. but in the end, i gave in to my 1st thought and bought it.otherwise, the rice really filled me up and i didn't really feel like eating any more food though i had stll $3 with me.
ya, so off i went to work. but i saw stupid sarah working and he gave me a really cold look. totally dislike her lor! so, i started work with a black face upon seeing her face. manager bernie asked: " what's with the doomsday cloud?" which means i look v black today. and he said since i look so unhappy, might as well go home. ha, was glad he said tt, and i really went off.
was still quite full after i got home and i glanced myself in the mirror and i looked real fat. my stomach has expanded to a v big size and no matter how little i eat, it still looks big as if i have a tummy, since stomach is made of muscle walls. so, did some sit-ups while watching tv.
woah, my skin has turned red! i am sunburnt!! yay, so happy, gonna be more tanned soon.
ok, so here's what i ate today:

1 thick cheese bread(breadtalk)
1 slice gardenia bread with margarine and kaya
6 pcs julie biscuits
few mouthfuls of porridge with 7 cubes of canned ppork and some baked beans
1 plate of rice with green vege, long beans and tau kwa with gravy on rice
1 ice blended red bean corn
2 slices choclate swiss roll
1 apple, i kiwi, 1/2 orange

think nxt time shld just eat proper meal lor, the length of my food list seem to be shorter though the calorie intake is still as much. just to comfort myself lor...

i m pregnant...with food.

2007-02-05T00:49:00.000+08:00

heyz....
today as i expected is not really gd cos of my big binge...
was eating breakfast b4 today with ah ma at the dining table, and irritating jie was doing some exercise by rotating her hips round and round in front of me...and i was pissed off...thinking :" yeah, u are skinny enough, and ya, u still want to show off to me tt u want to be skinnier". i scolded her and asked her to go somewhere else. then she said:" you also can shake what...u can afford to do it anyway." in case u don't understand, it means i am too fat and i should shake all my fats away. my tears flowed out, bcos both my ankles r hurting like hell from all the standing everyday and i am so drained out after the work, do u think i m still in the mood for exercise? does she need to remind me tt i can't really do exercise bcos i am so partially handicapped?
and i had quite a bad day at work too, apart from the talking to the friends part. i love to hang out with friends, all the talk and laughter can cheer me up during most of the days when i don't get too depressed. esp with working friends who don't know my ED problem(except marie) cos i can just openly eat in front of them. i mean, i work in restuarants, and obviously, there is always food availavble. it's a nice thing to see pple eat and comment abt the food, and cos there are too many pple ard, even if i have the binge urge, i will not do it. maybe i will take a bit, but obviously not all which i believe i can finish if i am alone. but when i do hang out with my firends who know i have a ED prob, it becomes uncomfortable to eat. i keep having the feeling tt they will prevent me from eating since they know i can't stop when i start, so they would look at me fiercely like a tiger as though to warn me they are watching. so everytime when old friends ask me out for a meal, or even my family members, u see why i always avoid them because i know they know my problem, and they might just control me too much i would scream at them. and after tt, i will feel so sad to be unable eat normally with friends i take revenge and binge all i want when i am alone when i should be joining the others for a meal.
anw, ya, at work, i was assigned to be at the 'kiddie bar'. i am supposed to make all the juices some pple order and to clean the cutlery, which is the most disgusting thing ever. and somemore, i have to stay at a single spot doing all this and i can't move freely as i want in the whole big place. it becomes so congested for me i feel so cramped and uneasy. ya, and somemore, pple seldom order drinks cos most pple come to globetrotters for food.
luckily, i requested bernie, the manager tt i want to help out at the party, but i had stayed at the one boring station for 4 hrs. and so, off i went to help out at the bday party. globetrotters hold bday parties every weekend btw.
had a break at 5pm and i couldn't stop eating. wanted to eat somemore after i spent all my money, so i decided to use my ez link card at Mac's. woah, LUCKILY, i forgot to bring it down, it was upstairs in my bag, and only then did i calm down and sit down w/o munching sth. otherwise, i would be chewing and swallowing almost every min in my 1 hr of break.
i got off from work at 8.30 pm, manager shirley let me out earlier by 1/2 hr. then i took revenge for just now, used all all the $10 stored inside my card at Mac's now. and oh my god, i ate DOUBLE cheeseburger and tt's beef...so damn sinful!!shit...called mum and realised she having dinner with 'lao shi'. so, i decided to drop by ah yee's house to watch the finale of superstar my cousins had helped me record.
somehow, my mood was lifted and though i ate so so so a lot, i was still quite cheerful at ah yee's house, was too full and didn't even give a damn abt the food there. "heng" ah...
but i didn't even finish watching the superstar and my mum came and to fetch me back. aiyoh, but saw the results. daren won, but it's ok, i support both him and diya, though i was hoping girlpower might b stronger.
ya, so just reached home. somehow, now i find home is my most safest place. the inital binge me thought tt this house is the most dangerous place to be, cos of all the food here. but now it's void of food(poor brother so skinny but always have no snack to eat...and ah ma) because of me, i feel this is the safest place and i love it here, but just the thought of living with jie and quarrelling with her every single min makes me loathe here. lucky she has work and i have work in the evening when she comes home. "heng" ah, we can don't see each other again.
anyway, my stomach looks like is 4 mths pregnant now. it's full of:

3 sweet tau sar piah(the flat one)
1 otah cheese bun(breadtalk)
1 nugget, 2 wedges, 2 fishballs(from my workplace...)
2 walnut cookies
1 chocolate swiss roll(polar)
1 spring roll (old change kee)
2 sticks of fried sweet potato fritters(old chang kee--8 pcs)
1 carrot cake(old change kee)
2 slices kaya butter toast(ya kun)
1 double cheeseburger(MacDonalds)
1 choco vanilla cornetto cone(7-11)
1 fried sausage bun(7-11)
1 cup hot chocolate with 2 pcs marshmellows(MacCafe)

darn...scary right? i am so full! i feel really guilty abt the burger. shouldn't have eaten tt. SHIT!!!!!!

somehow,
well

the uncontrollable me

2007-02-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

hi, today sucked too....
woke up feeling full from ytd's binge and refused to eat breakfast. anw, the urge was there which continued from ytd, but i needed to rush for work, so not so much time to eat(not as if i take a long time to eat! i gobble food within a few mins!) somehow, the urges always continue for days until u finally awaken and u get normal for a few pathetic days b4 u will come tumbling down again, and it goes on and on, mayb even longer than the 1st time. shit lor....
anw, brother just put the 2 paus into my bag, so tt i can eat tt and don't need waste money go outside and buy. but as u know, my urge then was quite strong and so naturally, once i was out of the house, i gobbled it down even b4 i reached the mrt station which is just a short 5 min walk from my house. then, after reaching novena, i was craving for sth salty cos both my paus were sweet, and i really wanted a curry naan from breadtalk(my fav!!), but turned out tt they haven't baked it yet... so i bought another bun just for the salty taste.
forced myself to go work even though i felt like i want to eat more. but somehow, my working principals are v strong, i am always punctual and i don't cheat of their time...haha, so luckily, went in..b
started working...but urge remained...looking forward to break time at 3pm so tt i can go for a big blast binge...
finally, it came, and it was really a lot...damn it, felt so upset and guilty...msged wu juan for some comfort and asked her exactly why she left me alone working here today by not turning up for work...and tt pple there r getting so bossy i felt like breaking down and cry....
after my binge, went back to work and cheered up a little cos all the moving ard on a busy sat puts ur mind off somewhere else...ankles starting to ache a little...and i started to go a bit crazy cos i m just too tired...
anw, after work, mum came and fetch me, and i was so desperate. i really don't know how to handle tomorrow with my 2 scheduled jobs tomorrow...guess have to call up one of them to bluff them tt i feel unwell...and tt will most prob be borders cos earlier on, asked globe's manager what would happen if i can't go to work tomorrow, and he seemed angry and ignored me, saying i better turn up tomorrow...die, shouldn't have said tt la, stupid me!!
we went to ah yees' house and i ate some cookies at her house. cos ah yee's house has too many food, and it sorta become a binge place for me, such tt i have to eat sth b4 i leave there...it's so dangerous staying at her house, and i wondered how am i going to visit my cousins if i act this way...i really like to go to their house if there were not so much food lying around, cos it's so nice to visit nice pple like them. sigh*
yay, finally my friend msged me!!! i am so so relieved!! somebody is taking over me at borders!! ok, but i am still sad over my food intake, which is:

1 tau sar pau
1 liang rong pau
1 cheese otah bun
1 bowl of meepok with the mini wok soup
1 curry puff
1 chocolate roll slice
1 ma lai kuo(malay cake)
1 nonya kueh
1 walnut biscuits
1 pkt luxury biscuits(6pcs)
3 pineapple tarts

it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, considering my binge ytd a, i shld have ate lesser today. guess what, i bet tomorrow will b the bad day again, cos i can still feel the urge now...it won't disappear for quite some time...sigh

1 cup choco mint tea

the continued list...

2007-02-04T01:29:00.000+08:00

damn it, ytd was v bad day...here's the continued list from my binge ytd:

1 bluberry milk tea
1 sardine puff
1 buo luo bun
4 mouthfuls of lasagne(from borders)

was v v upset ytd...crying all the way on the mrt on the way to work...cos felt so guilty after eating...and negative thoughts were flooding my mind too...thought mum didn't even bother abt me...all she cares was for work...was thinking tt if she had quit her job, or rather, work part time only, she could have devoted more time to me. and her physical presence will prevent my binge from coming so often, resulting me in this size. of course, this is not possible as she prob had suffered too much from being poor at a young age and didn't want tt feeling again...i mean, if given a choice, would u rather i recover and be poor or i stay like this and be better off?
cheered up a little though during work cos all the moving around made me feel less bloated and the friends around were laughing and i felt the laughter around too, though deep down, the sense of guilt and miserable-ness was so so overpowering...but found out tt ytd wan't just my day...had a row of bad luck in sequence....found out tt i am scheduled to be working on sun(2morrow) at both borders and globetrotters. i am dead meat...tried v hard to find replacement but to no avail...i don't know what to do...and bcos of this, i was making so many phone calls to my friends to find replacement tt i missed the claim for the taxi fare...aiyah, SICKENING man!!

damn it...

2007-02-02T12:23:00.000+08:00

today sucks big time!!
i had a normal breakfast today...and there was no one at home...brother had went to camp ytd, ah ma had went to her house to pray pray...so i am all alone....thought i was on the road of recovery, cos i finished my breakfast w/o looking at the rest of the remaining slices of bread... went to read newspapers, and all was fine...mum even called me to check how i was doing and to remind me to eat the anti-depressant medicine dr goh from eunos had given me...then i went to read "the 5 pple u meet in heaven" (haven't read finish cos no time to read cos of work). read halfway, urge came... uh oh.... i tried to control it for a while, but i couldn't...i went to take 1 slice first, thinking tt 1 slice is ok, at most i take a small lunch later...was thinking i should split my meals into small 6 ones instead of gobbling down everything all at one go(like a binge)...but after tt 1 slice, i thought "haiya, since i took 1 slice alrd, why not take another one? at most, i don't take lunch lor..."
what the hell, and then it went busted from here from my last 2 days of controlling. cos last 2 days, was quite determined to slim down and still at least did a bit of exercise, but now i am like so tired i just want to eat and not exercise at all. i looked at myself in the mirror to give myself motivation to slim down, but it didn't help at all. all i thought was since i am so fat alrd, slimming down is impossible, no harm eating more. grabbed some money, rushed to the market nearby to buy some more food to satisfy my urge cos i am now so sick of bread...tried to eat an apple to control my urge but darn it, the urge was so strong i just rebelled and ate some more junk.
i went back home after i finished spening my money, guilty and sad, only to see ah ma had returned home...with MORE food! i took the chance while she is upstairs changing to eat the food. damn, i cried immediately after eating it. told ah ma my troubles but she kept quiet, like she didn't know what to do cos i was blaming her for bringing food and coming home so late, leaving me alone at home.
knowing tt she can't do anything to comfort me, i called my mum...and i told her what i binged on, and begged her to accompany me to prevent me from bingeing more when she would b free during her lunch time...later she will b coming to fetch me at abt 1.30pm...i know i m too dependent, but i just can't stop...
anyway, everything started after i ate the anti-depressant pill...i wonder if it works like prozac which makes pple feel like eating more...i think i'd better stop eating tt tomorrow...cos i didn't eat for the last 2 days, and i had a bit of control, so don't really know if it's the medication's effect. i really HATE myself!!!!!! argh!!!!!!
i just totally binged on:

2 slices of bread with ham and cheese
4 slices of bread with margarine and kaya
2 rolls of baguette (e long baguette from delifrance which is cut into rolls)
2 rolls of chee chong fun with lotsa sweet sauce
2 small pkts of twisties (1 cheese, 1 tomato flavoured)
1 apple
1 tau sar piah(the size of 1 and 1/2 ping pong ball)

help help help...i hope the rest of the day i won't eat any more stuff...oh god, pls help and bless me!!!!

nice things don't last....

2007-02-01T23:38:00.000+08:00

hello...
everything was beautiful...so wonderful when i woke up. weather was windy and cooling, and i felt...normal...(: i ate a normal share's of breakfst. brother kept the rest of the bread but i don't even give a hoot abt it. i was thinking "what's so nice abt bread? i shouldn't binge...i can always eat it another day...not as if my life is over yet...". then later, i wanted to put on my contact lenses for work but couldn't find it...thought my brother had chucked it somewhere weeks ago when he did house cleaning. usually, for a imaptient and hot-tempered girl like me, i would have screamed and shouted, threw things everywhere just to find sth i can't find. but somehow today, i felt so light. everything just came out of my mouth so smoothly and softly. not the usual roar...and i felt great...i want to be like this forever...i don't want to be angry or sad everyday...those are 2 really hateful emotions i want to abandon...
but gd things don't last long...i reached my workplace too early, and i felt tt my breakfast was so little as compared to my usual BIG breakfast (though it's normal for a normal person), so i went to the bakery opposite borders to buy sth cheap. and i saw the baguette kind of bread shaped in a ball(abt the size of a big fist) which cost only 60 cents...and i bought it of course... wanted sth cheap and nice....i like bread of the baguette kind..those really hard one, so tt i can chew until my mouth goes numb...haha, just like tt kind of feeling...moreover, mum bought baguette from delifrance last night and its aroma hooked me. i was planning to eat for breakfast this morning but my brother kept it cos he didn't want me to eat sth i like in case i binge...so i went for tt bread and wolfed it down in a few mins cos by tt time, my work was abt to start. but i felt quite guilty after eating tt...think i could have skipped it...just too 'tan chi' alrd...
during work, i was quite bored at times cos weekdays again ma...so quite little pple....so kept grabbing cookies to eat....also drank some iced hazelnut latte cos somebidy took wrong order and it was a waste to throw it away...shh, not supposed to do tt, boss will scold, actually must throw away one...throughout work, urge was quite strong...
later i went back home, quite drained out, too tired to think of satisfying my urge, and i wanna rush home watch tv!!! so ya, went back and ate some side dishes foe dinner. was quite filled up and i finished with an apple. watched amazing race finale, quite shocked tt the malaysian team won...wanted either of the other 2 teams to win...but oh well...
oh ya, i don't know how but the 3 of us, my sis, bro and me were talking abt how to handle chinese new year. like what will happen if they buy goodies and put it at home...then both of my siblings were quite confident saying i m better these few days. i laughed it off and confessed to my sis actually i was eating her coffee roll she bought from malyasia everyday...just tt she didn't know...think she was quite pissed off at first cos it's her money...well, of course i m not such an idiot to touch her things and wait for her to scold me...i thought my back up plan if i were to finish her coffee rolls, i would use my money to buy a simailar box which i saw is selling at takashimaya basement...but since i have confessed, and my sis was so pissed off she said "don't need", so ok lor...not my fault anyway, she never hide it properly...but was a bit guilty and embarrased for being so greedy...ya, i like to see her being so angry, cos i am also angry with her...cos she siao one, so skinny alrd still ate so little for dinner...didn't eat rice, just ate the side dishes...and still like to stand stand stand to burn off calories...somemore beside me when i was sitting down cos ankle hurts from standing again...sorry, not tt i like to compare, but she is so skinny alrd, why still like to be skinnier? i think she is the one with eating disorder lor...anw, she was partly the cause of my eating disorder also lor...stupid her...maybe i am just jealous but too bad, i cannot stand her...
was quite hungry at around 11pm...and i was still watching tv, and i was eyeing the chocolate muffin on the dining table...so i took it, drank some guava juice and tt was when mum came back. she was like so afraid tt i was bingeing...but i was quite sure i was not...i know the difference btw a binge and a itchy mouth eating...
pa sent my bro back to camp don't know do some last army stuff. i think after this, he will b forever free from army...
what i ate today:

1 cranberry raisin sunshine muffin
1/2 slice softmeal white bread
baguette shaped into a ball(size of a big fist)
1/4 cup iced hazelnut latte
4 choco chips cookies(small size)
3 stalks of broccoli
2 tablespoons fried egg
1 chop chip sunshine muffin
1/2 cup guava juice
1 apple

no proper meals again...but like irregular hrs...and didn't want to eat rice for dinner cos still guilty from the baguette roll from afternoon. somemore, me and my sis like competeing see who can eat less lor...sigh, i think we shld just live in diff houses...i am just too affected by her. i don't know when ever can we get along like me and my brother or between my brother and my sister...

still too much...

2007-01-31T23:34:00.000+08:00

hihi...
ey, woke up today feeling the urge. i was so impatient i ate b4 i brushed my teeth. but then thought it was disgusting, so stopped, brushed and continued eating. mum brought my favourite mulitigrain bread, and i just couldn't stop chewing on them since i hadn't tasted it for a long time. but i stopped to leave enough for my brother who have not ate breakfast and some pcs for tea if he was hungry. learnt how to be less selfish by not gobbling all the food down cos got my skinny bro at home...must spare a thought for him...anyway, quickly got out of house for work at globetrotters which started at 11am. woah, i was assigned as the 'greeter' today, and woah lao, damn boring lar! all u do is just stand at the entrance there promoting their food...and today is a weekday, how slack was it man! cann u imagine standing at the same spot for 4 hrs doing sth only like once in an hr(which is showing pple to their table)? so boring until i kept yawning and i was thinking i hated this job. i mean, i love kids but pls don't assign me to be the greeter! even if i was to b the server, at least i get to walk ard the whole restuarnt and i would not have felt so bored. cos i was so bored the urge kept coming, but of course i didn't run away to buy food or sth....just tt right after my shift ended, rushed down to the food court to but sth...wanted to eat a proper meal, so i spent all my money($4) to buy a plate of spaghetti. wolfed it down cos realised i was quite hungry and to satisfy the urges i had felt earlier on...was full but craved for a coffee, and all along i wanted to buy MacCafe's coffee and try but it was always too expensive to afford. but decided today tt this shall b the day to try with my remaining money in my e-z link card. urge came and i spent my last $1 in my ez link card on an ice cream at 7-11.
while licking the ice cream, was thinking whether i should go back home cos felt too early then. scared nth to do at home until 7pm when my tv show mini-marathon starts. and scared tt the nth-to-do time will make me so bored tt i will binge. but i couldn't find any programmes to do, cos shopping was a no-no as my ankle was hurting from all the standing, and going to my mum's office which is nearby is a no-no too as there is no excuse to disturb her now tt my exams r over...should let her concentrate on her work...
so home it shall be...and wanted to occupied my boredom with a puzzle, but i didn't have mahjong paper as a back...then wanted to do beads but lost the bead box...then read the newspapers but couldn't conc cos i was thinking abt food. and rahhhh, so pissed off with myself i went to eat!!!
called mum later to complain abt my boredom which led to a binge...well, actually the calls are just to get things off my chest...mum didn't really do anything to comfort me...just a listening ear will do....
put down the phone but still got craving for biscuits...couldn't resist and rushed down to the nearby minimart.
ate apple after the biscuits to rid of urge. finally man...somehow, apple always work for my urges...gd apple, nice apple, i love u apple!!! wondered how come i didn't eat apple earlier get on...maybe cos i was so bent on eating biscuits i know i had to eat them...but as u know, snacking makes u wanna eat more, and i decided i have had enough, and so munched an apple to rid of it.
did some sit-ups and the urge was finally over though ge brought dinner home. went upstairs to prevent myself from seeing more food in case urge comes again. then watched tv until now tt i am here. think the sit-ups cheered me a little though i think it didn't help me in my wt loss though...but sweating a little does make a difference. the wonders of how exercise, even mild ones, can lift ur spirits up!
but puzzled ...how come anita hasn't reply me YET?did i get her e-mail add wrong?
my food intake today:

4 pcs multigrain bread
1/2 prima deli's chicken pie
1 plate of ham and mushroom spaghetti in mushroom cream
1 choco vanilla cornetto ice-cream
1 Maccafe's iced latte(my god, lotsa fresh fattening milk, i saw how they prepared!)
3 pcs multigrain bread
1 mini snicker bar
1 pkt of choco vanilla rolls(want want brand--hei bai pei)
1 apple, 1/2 orange, 1/4 dragonfruit

quite sad for today's intake...somehow, i have a soft spot for ice-cream...i seem to b eating almost everyday....haiyoh, somemore tt one the most fattening...):

i can do it!!!

2007-01-31T00:33:00.000+08:00

heyz..
was brushing my teeth this morning when my brother shouted:"oi, don't brush ur teeth 1st! later u brush, u will want to eat non-stop..." HUH? am i not supposed to start at all? i mean, it's food, i know if i completely don't eat for a day(which is 100% impossible!), i will definitely take revenge the nxt day. was quite pissed off with him instead of grateful...mayb cos i was feeling quite full from my late night snack last night and while brushing my teeth, i was alrd contemplating not to eat alrd...i mean eat a bit later. but somehow, like the more he said, the more i wanna oppose him. but later i calmed down and think a while...i shouldn't b so defiant if i wanna get well. so, listened to him. however after half hr, i caved in upon seeing him go out of sight. luckily there was only one person's share on the table, moreover, felt full, so didn't really have the urge.
lisi came over with her bike today all the way from NTU to our house at queenstown. woah, SUPERwoman man! haha....i was jumping while watching tv at the same time then...
later, we talked a while and my bro went to buy lunch for ah ma, lisi and himself. i didn't want as i felt full. so, sat down to read"the 5 pple u meet in heaven".
but the more i thought tt i m gonna skip lunch, the more panicky i felt, afraid tt i will binge later on. so, i took some money from ah ma to go and buy lunch. wanted to b healthy and ate yong tau foo but they only have kang kong as vegetable and it easn't really fresh. no choice, i went to buy the zi char bee hoon with gravy as it is more easily digested.later still ate dessert cos itchy mouth. urge coming. but after the dessert, felt real full and psychoed myself tt the remaining money is supposed to b for buying apples to store at home.i wanted to show my bro tt i could suceed even if it means lesser apples with lesser money...at least i have tried, and i succeeded! cos i think i want to gain trust from him and for myself. i can do it!
later, i went work at borders. cos today is a weekday, so quite slack, had chance to talk with collegues, esp MARIE! i didn't know why we were talking abt food, but then she suddenly said :"here only got 2 of us like food". i guess she said tt cos we were abt the same big size, like got a bit of double chin and so she prob assumed tt i LOVE food. how wrong is she...and i was immediately v sad upon hearing this bcos i know she deduced tt i love food from my big size. then later, v naturally, i confessed to her abt my eating disorder. turns out she has the same experience as me, just tt she is not a sufferer. meaning she was skinny at first but then turned fat cos of her working conditions at Mac's then. sths she say she will feel sad but she is a v optimistic girl, so nth can push her down the cliff of sadness. she really is v optimistic...i shld learn from her...and somemore, she soo nice, kept psycho-ing me tt I CAN DO IT! to rid of my eating habits....i didn't say out through my mouth, but i was trying to psycho myself in my heart and mind. cos i didn't want to get my hopes too high by promising i can do it, but just silently wishing tt i can....
so sad, can't see her for the nxt 2 working days cos she's off...sigh, i will learnt to look at the +ve side!!thanks MARIE for giving me encouragement!
later, mum came ftech me home from borders...now waiting to watch "ten brothers" on channel 55 at 1.45a.m.
anyway, i ate:

2 pcs white bread with ham and cheese
1 plate or zhi char mee hoon
1 bowl of green bean soup
2 scones
2 mini doughnut(1 cream cheese, 1 chocolate)
1 fried ham and cheese bread
1 vanilla cone

it's a proper meal for lunch, but dinner...er, like too much...

rot-at-home mon

2007-01-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

hihi...
break for me today, and i will b working everyday this wk! yaya, i love work as it helps me to occupy my time and to prevent my binge! but only 6 hrs at one go though...sigh, will still have quite some free time. and somemore my work is at 6pm tomorrow, this means i have to miss my tv shows at night! boo hoo...nvm, ge says missing shows is not a big deal. don't make myself more miserable...kk, learning learning...
ya, so today, after eating 2 buns for breakfast, i went out to binge with my $5. the $5 is mum give one, cos i told her to give me a daily allowance of $5 so tt i can do whatever i want to do, but only with tt amt. so i don't need to search the whole house for money so desperately. cos sths even when i want to eat a proper meal, i don't even have a single cent with me. pathetic man...actually, saw ah ma came back with an egg prata from the market...suddenly felt like eating and the urge rushed to me. quickly, i got out of the house secretly to buy some pratas too...wanted to use the remaining money to buy ge lunch and ah ma some light snacks since she said she wasn't hungry after the prata. but in the end, i failed, thinking tt ge will go out and buy. instead, i came home only to see poor ge and ah ma had to eat maggi mee. i felt so guilty i offered to buy food for them, but they refused in case i binge outside again...sigh**
anyway, i wanted to do some exercise today and i tried though at a v slow pace, cos i m so UNfit. don't feel like jogging so stayed at home do some sit-ups and skipping, though it was totally useless cos i thought i won't eat after exercising after my binge earlier on, but instead, i continued eating dinner and a sinful supper. aiyoh, i tried to eat my dinner proper, thinking i will not snack or binge at night, but in the end, still did which is super fattening and all my exercise had gone down to the drain...i can't resist snacks...how? DOES anyone KNOW how? PLS give me some TIPS...
my food intake for today:

1 blueberry cheese bun
1 tuna egg bun
1 egg prata with curry
1 plain prata with curry
1 cup ice lemon tea
1 round mian jian kueh
1 roll of popiah
6 ferro rochers
10 pineapple tarts(long one, like 2=1 tt kind)
1/2 bowl rice with a bowl of fried ikan bilis(fried!)
1 apple, 1 orange
3 butter crackers
1 cup if high-lo daisy milk

tt's damn a lot, considering i am not walking a lot and staying home to rot the whole day...sian man...and ge saw me eating the late night snack though i tried to hide from him, shouted to me to ask what i was doing but continued playing with his game. aiyah, won't blame him lor. guys will always be guys...
was just wondering by the way if i was a guy, it would b gd. at least at this age, i can be in NS. though it's tough, at least all the exercise and the friends around me will prevent my binge. if i continue to b like this for 2 yrs, i can b cured as i would b so used to tt kind of life...hai~

thoughts....<()

2007-01-29T14:02:00.000+08:00

hi...
just read jas' comments....i know, i wake up to a hopeful day every morning thinking tt i can eat 3 proper meals a day with someone with me. but everytime it fails, because in between the times of the proper eating times, the urge will come so often i cannot resist it. now, my brother is out of army, i can have one more companion other than my grandma to really sit down to have a nice lunch and dinner with me everyday. but somehow, the few mintues of high sensation i feel from the surging rush of sugar within me when i binge is gd enough to overcome the scenerio of having a nice meal with my family. maybe because i don't feel the warmth from my family, or maybe i took them for granted, or maybe i always feel so isolated tt i don't see the need to sit and talk with them, or maybe i always have a negative feeling tt if i were to sit with them, i can vision their unhappy faces with me when sitting down with me. somehow somehow, i don't like the feeling of the family sitting together to have one proper meal. i missed the laughter and the talks over a meal we shared in the past, but somehow somehow i think i don't need to do tt because our family is so used now to have a meal w/o me at the table. since we are so used, i don't see the point of changing the present now because i fear tt any change will just make it worse. i don't know why... moreover, i am working now, and most of the time, my meals are irregular because of my irregular working hours. but one thing working helps me, is tt i won't need to binge during tt period and i can walk walk walk(i am working as waitress) which is still a form of exercise. but at the rate i am eating, no matter how much i walk, my weight still increases cos my binges are not cured yet. the kitchen at my wrokplace, esp globetrotters, has lots of food, but till now, i don't remeber touching a single bit of food in there cos i won't have the urge with pple around me. this concludes tt with the presence of familiar pple, i don't eat bcause i think it's a shameful thing. but when i am alone, it's totally different. because i will eat whatever is in my sight. tt's considered a binge problem of course, because pple who have this illness will always eat alone, whereas anorexic pple will always want to b with pple to prevent them from bingeing(even though their binge is less than a normal pple's normal food intake) except for mealtimes when they will ony munch a vegetable or fruit or not even eat. this is from experience, and it really sucks. totally sucks, with so much lies and guilt and shamefulness within us, the ED pple.
sths, i wonder how fat pple are really fat or obese. do they really enjoy food or so they share the same problem with us? i conclude, there are both of them. those who really love food don't mind their size, and eat happily in front of their family and do not have any depression. but fat pple like me, always feel sad the whole day, just except the few moments of high we can get from bingeing. we feel so isolated, so lonely because we shut the door from others, retreat ourselves into a tiny space, because we just feel so ashamed or ourselves. even when friends ask us out for dinner which is quite seldom cos we don't really have friends with our introvert attitude, we feel happy and touched but u get so nervous upon meeting them we binge and make some excuses at the last min not to turn up cos we are feeling guilty and isolated again after the binge. yes, tt happened to me quite a few times and lose some of my friends but we feel miserable. all we wanted was support and encouragement, but tt is too seldom which do not keep us going because we already have so few friends. my family seem to take the hard way on me alrd, because my sister scolds me fat everyday,trying to help me wake up to my senses but all i just do is just to cry in response to her mean words. i can't wake up from such harsh comments, and the more she ridicules me, the more sad i feel, the more pessismistic i become, the more i binge and the more i hate her. but does she understand....no....
maybe if i am born w/o a family, things might help cos i learn to be independent. but i am born into one, and because off tt, i've become quite pampered and need love, care and concern. but it comes too seldom, cos my family has kinda give up on me because i never seem to recover.
i tried to seek psychatric help, but the docs are either useless ir too expensive. DR LEE EE LIAN sucks big time... she made it worse by turning me from anorexia to binge eating disorder. and dr tan chu tin at mt e is too expensive. and i heard NUH nor TTK has successful docs. so, i feel like giving up...i am wasting my time away, sths numbing my feeling with work by not caring abt how to seek treatment, bcos i am so tired of seeking help yet fail again. it's a waste of money and i don't want to waste my mum's money like tt again, knowing tt every trip will b a wasted one...

shitty sinful day

2007-01-27T11:24:00.000+08:00

i am posting for ytd's happening, and it was way terrible!! boo hoo**
yah, what happened was ytd was supposed to go for pre-training at GLOBETROTTERS (a restuarant) from 3-5pm. then needed to go borders' bistro to start work at 6pm. remembered the thurs when i stared at food for 7 hrs? the thought was bugging me ytd. i was so fustrated i didn't have any money with me to eat then and i took revenge ytd. my 1st thought when i woke up was to gobble down my scones i had asked my mum to buy on thurs for fri's bkfast. ( i love to eat scones!!) then my urge started coming. first was the greedy me, but cos i ate my breakfast up too quickly, it whetted my appetite and the binge urge came naturally. my fault for being greedy. though my appt was at 3pm, i went out of the house at 11.30 am, which one aim in mind-to binge. i couldn't find any sing dollars in the house, and u know what i did? i took a 50 dollar note RM, went all the way to search for a money changer, so tt i could get some local money. got $21 sing in the end. was so damn happy, yet dreading on my mood change and the overpowering guilt and sadness tt will come later. was torn btw eating and resisting. then i came to a compromise, i will spend $10 on an expensive lunch and not touch the remaining one. by thinking i had spent so much on a meal, i thought i will feel quilty enough for not splurging money on other food. so, i went pastamania and ate to my heart's content.
wrong, i was wrong! i couldn't resist the presence of money in front of me! usually, i would spent every single cent tt i have with me cos i would rather binge now than later. i always have this thinking tt i must spend all the money and binge now rather than later. the last few cents will always be spent on less sinful food or a drink cos i thought i would prefer to spend all my money on this b4 i see sth sinful and would spent on it. funny thinking...but ytd was exceptional, cos i thought i never had so much money with me and i should eat all i want to make up for the seeing-but-no-eating thurs.
mum called and i confessed on what i did and as usual, she said why u don't want find a full-time job leh? she always say this and i would shrug my shoulders, saying tt i will b too bored at just one place. and i will b so irritated with her naggy reply i will just go and eat some more. sigh*
so, in the end, i ate ate so much i felt like dying though i knew i could go on some more, if not for the emptiness in my pocket.
with a sad and guilty feeling, went to globetrotters and sat for 2 hrs, just upon listening to the managers' naggy talk! and hello, all those tt u had said i knew long long ago given my experience at the borders' bistro!! woah lao eh....
later then went to borders and worked. work was quite ok though i thought was a bit being ostracised. think too much, but tt's how i feel. lonely, sad all the time...=( i feel tt i have no right to be happy and whenever i felt tt tinge of happiness, i would take it back, thinking tt i don't have the right to b happy.
my one of the worst binge ytd comprised of:

2 rasins scones
1 mini red bean bread
1 plate of super super damn creamy pasta with fungi with lotsa cheese(sinful!)
3 pcs garlic bread
1 bowl of clam chowder soup
1 pandan kaya cake
2 slices kaya toast from ya kun
1 choclate cheese tart
1 nonya kueh
1 kfc fried chicken breast, crispy(damn sinful, faints*)
1 nestle mocha can
1 fried curry chicken doughnut
1 strawberry mac's sundae

remember still got more one leh...can't recall though...anw, all the sinful food and look at the quantity! my god god!help help....

useless and ugly me

2007-01-26T00:06:00.000+08:00

heyo...
woah, i wasted my whole day...can u believe it? how did i waste? the most stupid thing in the world...look at food for 7 hrs! almost fainted. i cried too, thinking tt i was useless and i all know how to do is just to look at it. i tried to divert my attention to reading bks, but obviously, i couldn't concentrate. diverted my attention to clothes-worked for a while and then the thought of me being too fat and looking super ugly in any clothes struck me, and my tears started to fall again. i know i know, u all will say i have myself to blame., tt i have no self-determination and sense of control. esp i love carbs, and bingeing on them made me the 64kg today and still ongoing...
anw, yep, all i wanted to do was to go guanyin temple and pray pray for my eating disorder. i think i better not say what lot did i took, or else not accurate liao. but turns out the outing made my mood worse. brought little money with me, and when i spent all my money, i was so desperate i tried means to get money. defintely not stealing though...came to my senses. i believe tt the bad will get his retribution, and having a binge prob is NOT an excuse to steal! scarely if i really do tt, i will nv recover. so no matter how despo i am, i will not to anything tt goes against my morals! yep, tt's e only thing i am proud of myself now. anw, so desperate i used my remaining money in my e-z link card to travel to toa payoh so tt i can go to my mum's workplace and get some money from her, thinking i use the $10 i intended for her to give me for topping up my card to go buy food instead. i can think of the rest on how to go home later. but she was clever enough to just give me ard $3 for my bus fare enough for 2 trips.
thought i was safe and maybe looking forward to doing sit-ups at home later to reduce the ugly ever bulge in my stomach. but i put only 55 cents into the bus box and she scolded me for not putting the adults' fare. well, i forgot what! and when i told her i only got a $1 coin and no other change, and i don't want to waste money, she ignored me and refused to give me my ticket. *fuming mad*(sorry, i am v v bad-tempered) i just don;t understand, why are aunties ever so calculating than uncles? bus uncles will nv do tt, except a few though....
so i got down at orchard far east plaza to vent my anger on eating with the remaining $2++. finshed the money and desperate for food. only know taka has free samples, so i zoomed there to satisfy my urge. ate like lotsa pineapple tarts, and i went to try the samples so many times the promoter recognised me and retreated her box of pineapples when i stretched my hand to grab for tt one small cookie. see la, calculating aunties again. but my fault, i feel like so disgusted with myself, where got pple go and try so many times one? but i can tell u when the urge strikes, u won't even care abt ur face.
uh oh, cannot have free pineapple tarts alrd, all i could do was to look and look at food. many times, i passed by restuarants and wondered if i should go in, and asked mum to pay the bill when she pick me up. but i didn't do tt, cos restuarnts are usually damn expensive, and i think of how hard mum works just for a few hundred dollars, i don't want it to waste it on a sumptous meal myself alone. however, when i binge, i buy cheap things like bread such tt now i am so sick of it, but all i could do is just to munch on the bread when the urge strikes. i think the most i ever spent on a single trip outside for my food is $11. it's considered cheap alrd as tt will b the cost or even more for restuarants' prices and only for a bowl of noodles or sth like tt.
but, what the hell, tt was how i spent my time until my mum arrived at 7pm to save me from the horror of all the horrible thoughts regarding food. she wanted to bring me to he xian gu temple pray. i quarrelled with her, saying i am sick of her asking me go to all these priests and temples when it obvioulsy had no help at all. after calming down and just to placate her, i went.
then we met up with bro at great world city while he shopped for his pants. mum went to eat sth light 1st as she haven't had her dinner. sat at toast box while she ate her kaya toast. saw my ex-collegue at breadtalk. wanted to say hi to him but too ashamed as i am super damn bloody fat now. i was only like 45kg when i first worked at breadtalk. they kept saying i was skinny and i really don't know how to face them with my new super size look. ugly me. sad.
food intake for today:

1 thick toast
1 thin toast
1 bbq pork pastry
1 plate of beehoon and mee with fried egg and fried tofu
1 pkt of chocolate chip cookies
1 ice cream cone
1 bowl of almond cream
1 curry puff
1 choclate milk tea with pearls
1 apple

my lot says BAD:(

2007-01-22T22:16:00.000+08:00

woke up 11.30 pm today...thought it was gd, at least can eat less...ate breakfast and feel like i couldn't stop. ge bought kunch for ah ma, and i thought i shld eat a proper meal too...so bought a pkt of rice when nobody was looking after me. mum came back soon and fetched me and brother to balestier to look at furniture. but b4 tt, i went to globetrotters at united square to apply for job as a kids play assistant! i don't really mind the waitress job also but i prefer to play with kids:) i really hope i get the job! realised tt wujuan also went 4 the interview 2day, missed each other by just an hr...i hope both of us can b selected 2gether.
we went to look for furniture bcos ge do not have a proper bed to sleep and he is now sorta graduated from army, and so we need to but him a proper bed and change the whole furniture set for the new year.
oh ya, b4 i did those 2 things above, also went to pray pray at bugis street. had a lot which says bad for me. guess my sickness is not getting better. but it's really true tt everything hasn't been turning out too well for me in fact. i don't know if this lot shows tt i will continue to b like tt for some more days or is just describing my past luck. oh well, i promise to go pray more often from now on. didn't really do tt in the past as i thought i didn't believe in god much as my family members. i usually followed them blindly and didn't think too deeply abt the religion i had. but suddenly today, i felt tt i NEED to BELIEVE in sth. this is the only thing tt keeps me go on with life and b optimistic, hoping for the better each time.
so, later after seeing the furniture, we went to queensway shopping centre as my brother wants to buy a new pair of specs. i had a strong urge and pretended i went to toilet but actually to eat sth. only had a few cents so had to compromise.
reached home watch tv while we all ate dinner. suprised visit from jane...haha cos she didn't bring key and her parents were out to buy dinner home...ya, anw,still got craving for the tau sar piah we bought earlier from balestier today leh...but CONTROL!! anw, i ate:

1 cream twiggies
3 tau sar bun
1 pc bread with butter jam
1 plate of rice with 3 side dishes
1 sardine puff
1 KFC chicken drumlet
1 and 1/2 colesaw
1/2 mashed potatoes
3 tau sar piah
1 apple, 1 pineapple

anw, balestier's tau sar piah rocks big time. must go buy and try...u will love it!!:) anyway, still too much...

counsective lousy terrible days...

2007-01-22T00:34:00.000+08:00

hihi....
sian...lotsa bad things happened everyday since i quarrelled with my sis on tt particular day..esp these few days, can't seem to get a hold over myself...keep going overboard by eating more than what a usual person does with no sense of control even the guilt of increased wt bothers me almost every single minute. i am like so obsessed with food, weight which affects my confidence and self-esteem. i am so bad at controlling. shall just give a brief update over the past few days.

FRI 19 JAN:
went to look for dr goh at eunos clinic who treated my hip and ankle with just a few days of medication. thought he was a wonderful and skilful doc. so, my mum asked me to go find hime for my binge prob. was reluctant at 1st cos i won't know what to say to him regarding what illness i have. i mean, like who goes to pvt clinics and ask for treatment for this kind of illnesses? they will most prob refer me to hosp and i can actually go direct to there what. but just tried anw. mum asked me to go early, but too early until i had so much free time i used the doc's money go eat eat eat. desperately asked mum for help. she came down from work but by then i had seen the doc alrd and had eaten so much i was at my bursting hot tempered mood i blamed my mum for leaving me alone to see the doc. i cried cried cried cos the doc asked me if my parents' full packed working timetable is the cause of my binge prob. cos upon thinking abt tt pt, i realised tt it mught b true as they were not there most of the time whenever i needed them, esp my father. then, went to work at borders with puffy eyes from 6pm-12am.

SAT 20 JAN:
ate a normal bkfast, went to work at borders from 12-6 pm. ya, what a super busy and hot day it was. running like a mad dog under the sun drenched in sweat from top to toe. was hungry for a few episodes of period, but was elated as i thought i could slim down with this type of waitressing exercise. ya, looking forward to a proper dinner with liting at 7pm when she finish work at topshop at suntec. went to look for her, but hold on, thought for a while tt she said we would meet but did not mention dinner this word. so, i thought she prob had her break at 5pm and she could had hers. so, i fufiled mu urge by buying a slice of polar cake, 1 malay kueh, 1 polar black pepper crab puff, 1 bread talk bun. was guilty but still wanted to eat some more. managed to force myself msg liting when i reach there cos i know if i don't do tt, i would wander off to the food place and eat some more. the urge was still v strong there. ya, so, finallym liting appeared and she scolded me for not having a proper dinner, making her have to eat dinner alone while i watch her eat at crystal jade kitchen. ordered a lime juice which cost $3.50! i didn't want to order tt at first but i just did in the end as i thought i must at least get sth to drink while she eats. basic courtesy. we updated each other on ourselves and ting goes off searching for dessert at crystal jade bread which is the walnut cookie. stupid them, sold only in 3s but not a pc. liting offered me one, wanted to reject but i didn't want her nagging in my face to say eat eat eat. waled a bit and we went our separate ways. the moment she was out of my sight, i fished out my remaining $7 and spend spend spend...on food of course. turns out to be 3 breadtalk buns, 2 slices kaya toast, 1 cup tea, 1 bowl of ban mian.
i reached home only to find myself crying for not being able to control. sis talked or rather counselled me for 1 hr. slept at 2am cos was too full to sleep just now.

SUN 21st JAN(today):
woke up 5 am to prepare the journey to malyasia. damn sian, got irritated by jie the 1st thing in the morn cos she choped places for my 2 cousins, her and my bro v close to each other but pusehed the pair of me and mum to behind.then sat on the coach until my buttocks ache. kept standing up to make my butt feel better, but my mum kept scolding me say i was not normal, bcos normal ppl will sit down like the rest of the ppl in the bus. ya, went to 2 temples. apparently, i didn't burn any incense, cos i thought it would still b the same as god was not fair to me. he is just out to torture him. then lunch time came, and sis did sth real stupid. all the cousins gathered at a table and ah yee's 2 friends came and sit at 1 table. but one of ah yee's friends' son is waiting to join them. then jie and mum pushed me to the other table when it was filled with unfamiliar uncles and aunties, so tt ah yee's friends' son can sit down with her mother. i swallowes a big gulp, i was mad and sad tt i seemed to b like an object who can b pushed ard like an abandoned dog. can't my stupid sis put herself in my shoes' and decide how difficult it was to eat with those aunties and uncles. i started to cried and hid inside the toilet. mum discovered and brought us for a walk. went up the coach again to but other local stuff; and my tears couldn't stop flowing. esp when i hear my sis, bro or cousins, i feel left out and cry even more! so, mum accompanied me on the bus while they went down the bus but malaysian goodies. turned out everyone bought lotsa things and we only bought 2 pathetic pkts of goodies. if my mum went fown, she would surely surely buy lots! see, help her save money! haha...oh ya, later went shopping at STORE! woah, damn nice and cheap lor! i bought a pair of shoes at just $7.50 sing dollars! well, i bought tt to vent the sad feeling and it was a haste decision...later sat bus and went back JB to eat dinner. woah, sit till butt pain pain...for 2 and 1/2 hrs k...was dying lor...and i was thinking of escpaing the dinner bcos i found tt what i did during luunch was childish and i was too paiseh to dine with the others at a round table. but bcos of my mum, i wanted her to eat properly and so, just went to sit with them.
finally reached singapore at abt 9pm. went home with a v strong urge cos i was thinking my lunch was not proper. and i went to eat :

4 pcs bread with tuna
2 banana twiggies
3 butter crackers
2 tau sar piah

and tt was after dinner. my god, wanna faint. anw, today was really a stupid bad damn day. i wish i could nv had made tt trip and it will cut down some miserable feelings along the journey...

ritz carlton greenhouse restuarant here i come

2007-01-17T22:26:00.001+08:00

hi...
today purposely woke up v late cos i realised tt the earlier i wake up, the more i eat cos i tend to binge in the morning. so i lay in bed till 11.30 am. went to ritz for job interview. while walking to the bus-stop, i recalled five mins ago b4 jie left the house, asking ah ma what she wanted for lunch. and i just realised oh, no harm eating a proper meal since i only ate breakfast. so i chionged to the food court just behind the bus-stop to eat the cheapest-rice with some side dishes. felt sad cos i couldn't control this thought of eating lesser. just eat whenever i see food. then i headed over to ritz carlton, for my 2nd interview, or i thought so as they had called me to go down today. then the thing was supposed to b at 3, and i reached there promtly. however, i waited for 1 hr! and they just kept on asking me to wait wait wait! somemore, there were only 2 pple waiting at the HR dept, including me. so i don't see any excuse for the staff there to let us wait sooo damn long! it's ritz carlton leh, hello??? where is the staff responsibilty, they shld at least give me the reason for waiting! so sad, rather than pissed off, cos i thought like my luck was really down these few days, and i couldn't do anything abt it. so i went out to marina square to eat, of course, what else can i do to mask my sadness? and i went back for the last time, then suddenly a person appeared and asked me where did i go? turned out tt during my small outing, a person came down to fetch the 2 of us to a briefing rm. but the guy went up earlier, so the person just brought me up personally. and there was this manager briefing a room of abt 20 newcomers abt the basics of working there. i was erm...luan...but i just thought tt all of us were employed. i was puzzled by where did all the 20 pple go to during my wait? oh well, 4get it. so, was briefed then went back home, watched tv and tt's all.
on the way home, wanted to find liting at suntec at topshop but i didn't know where it was and i wanted to watch tv...and was thinking how nice would it be if i will b working in ritz, will b close to denise's dance class at millenia walk and liting at suntec. but hai...the thought of denise...oh well, we seem like not friends anymore, so bye bye deen...
my stomach was filled with:

3 rasin breadtalk bread(e $1.50 one)
1/2 char siew bun
1 plate of pineapple rice with vege and curry meat
1 fried han jin peng
1 fried yam plus sweet potato
1 slice of chocolate rice cake
1 bar of hersheys cookies n cream choco
1 chendol flavoured mr softee
1 cup lemon tea
a few mouths of sotong mee
1 apple, 1 orange

too much too much..not allowed to have snacks..but sigh...no sense of control...HOW?

hypno no help. what shld i do?

2007-01-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

crap crap crap...went to try hypnotism today. oh well, worse than i thought. u know, all along i thought hypnotism is like in the movies stuff where on really goes to sleep and say sth tt is troubling them inside. tt's total rubbish, well, all the hypnotist did was to ask me relax and lie on a couch with my legs on a rest. so relaxed tt i speak like w/o energy. and the whole session lasted like 1 hr. she asked me to go deeper into my senses and searched for my younger happier normal self. she asked the two of us, splitting us into the evil person--ED and me, who is the same as my younger normal self just tt i had grown older some questions. just as the session was abt to end, jennifer(the hypnotist) asked me to open my eyes once i feel ready to come to my senses. and i think i was too eager to open my eyes because the lying down on the couch for 1 hr was miserable esp since i was so full. (binged b4 i came) terrible feeling. i didn't really understood the session. cos i didn't really go into my deeper senses as she instructed me to do so but i don't know how. i tried, but i just felt tt my concious mind was still working vividly all the time. and after 1 hr, when she asked me to open my eyes, she asked me if i was feeling confident. at first, i told her the truth--not really, and she asked me close my eyes and lay back again. my main thought was to get the hell out of the couch bcos laying down was so uncomfortable on a full stomach. then when she asked the 2nd time, i said yes though i know v well tt it was not much of a difference b4. the yes was also meant as a word of courtesy, i couldn't possibly tell her ur method does not suit me. it doesn't seem right. my thought was what am i going to eat after i get out of this place...omg, can u imagine? 1 hr of wasted time and i m still thinking like b4...and $200 just flew away from my pocket. wasted time, wasted money, wasted effort. sigh...i guess this will b the first and last try. then i went for wine training by borders for the newcomers. pathetic man, 5 pple only, and again, i had to sit like i was attending lessons in a class, and i sat for 2 hrs. my butt hurts!! kk, so went home watch tv. urge to eat was ever so strong. i don't know what is happening to me anw. from the day i quarrelled with my sis, things have not been turning well for me. my urge was back to the initial binge me, super super strong. can't seem to control myself, just gobbling food down every single time. no stopping. you know, i can finish a plate of rice in abt 1-2 mins. terrible right?
10pm, went out to my neighbourhood for a walk to get rid of my urge. came back, feeling like doing in some exercise. tried to climb stairs but die lor, my knees and ankles were making all the bones cracking sound with every step i took. fine, i gave up, and did 300 sit-ups. had to pause for long time after each count of 50. still remembered in the past i could do 300 in a breeze, but not, i am panting like a mad cow. and my whole shirt was sooo damn wet like i jumped into a pool of water with my clothes on. and i remembered last time, i will only sweat like 20 drops prob. shows how much fats i have now.
still quite sad abt deen not being my friend anymore. i chased her away prob cos she don't understand. but what can i do? i bet she's not as sad as me for losing me. she won't feel anything cos i prob meant nothing to her. but i decided to heck care with her. thought i binged a lot a lot today, i didn't cry all day like ytd, prob cos i was sick of crying, and just laughed it all, even though the feeling of guilt and anger towards myself is certainly v strong.
food intake for today:

4 pcs of bread with margarine, butter, jam, cheese
1 cream bread roll
1 nonya kueh
1 cream cheese bun
1 plate of bee hoon with tau kwa
1 roll of chee chong fun
1 round mian jian kueh
3 chilli coated fishballs
1 vanilla cone
1 chocolate doughnut
1 small bowl of rice with fried(!!) chicken
1 orange, lots of grape, 3 slices pineapple

omg, tt's certainly super a lot!shit myself. i deserve a beating. i deserve a cutting. but i don't know why i did not do tt. prob i m mature over the stage of hurting myself. i just think it's useless and cutting myself won't help. tt's a lot....help help...now tt i discover hypnotism is not gonna help me, i guess i have to depend on myself with the support of family and friends. but where have all my NORMAL friends go to? they disappeared w/o a trace cos they do not want to b sick like me?

a day full of tears

2007-01-15T15:02:00.000+08:00

hey...
yep, missed blogging ytd cos came back at 12 am from work. then was quite tired.
today, here i am not blogging nearing the end if the day, but in the mid afternoon, cos i have totally no plans now. i mean, i HAD, but it all went busted. busted mondays, i always get tt every mon, i don't know, sth bad always happen on tt day...
1) i was supposed to make an appt with hypnotist, but in the end i got so lost i was half hr late and yet still couldn't find the place. so she called me to cancel the appt bcos she thought there wasn't enough time for the complete process cos another patient will come soon. oh well
2) was supposed to meet denise for lunch, and yet i busted it cos i binged and was feeling damn bloody depressed. oh well, i just got sad after the appt was cancelled and i ate to numb my feelings. so i decided to make full use of my time and go to nanyang pri to collect my lost wallet. some kind hearted soul sent my lost wallet a few mths ago to tt school as my v v old identification card stated i studied there. and this nan pri was soooo near denise house i decided to drop by her house and goes whenever we want to somewhere instead of meeting at bugis. i msged her a few times only to get no reply. i thought she had forgotten our appt and i was thinking if she can 4get this, it means i m not a real friend to her. and i thought, i think all of my friends don't really regard me as friends. oh well, i just broke down and cried cried cried cried cried. then suddenly she replied and told me she was slping and just saw my msg. by then, my face were like so so so full of tears like my stomach was so so so full of food. and i told her i was feeling depressed and i didn't wanna spoil her day. prob we will meet some other time. and her hurtful reply was tt i m a lousy friend, just wanted to meet someone as when i like and cast them aside as when i don't feel like it. oh yah, if tt's the case, how come i could still meet kisha tt day when i binged? oh yes, i made an attempt even though i missed some of my appts bcos of my depression and binge. but hey, trying is better than not trying. but if tt's the way how normal pple think tt we r lousy frens and don't give us a damn support, i have nothing to say. so be it. i mean, like we will only b miserable if we carry this on as we cannot fufil some of our promises. i mean, even if we are friends, we seldom meet cos she has her own boyfriend to rely on. and of course, many NORMAL friends. at least, though ryan is miserable, i can see tt his frens are soooooooooo much more caring than mine. so, she's angry, i don't know how, and i can't help to revive the situation. *sob sob*
so, my worst binge since a few days ago:

3 mini char siew paus
3 sardine curry puffs(those kind 3 for $1)
1 blueberry mr bean pancake
1 blueberry waffle
1 plate of char siew rice
1 apple crumble with ice cream

this is quite bad cos i m sitting down almost all the time, tt's why feeling like so full and miserable. so be it...i let go and give up....

stupid sis

2007-01-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

hihi...
was damn unlucky today. woke up by my sis who was speaking so loudly. wanted to have some peaceful normal breakfast of a pkt of chee chong fun but was shocked to see what my sis had bought for me in market. 1 mini char siew pau and a siew mai. omg, faints...i know i m supposed to grow thinner, but is tt the way how u r supposed to treat me? i was sad and angry, and she added oil to the fire, saying " i changed strategy. we cannot let her(me) eat a proper meal anymore. she must eat half a normal person's share and NO SNACKS". my brother was at least not so mean, he was saying i should eat a proper one like a normal person in case she binge later. oh well, i m not being tan chi or sth. i m being realistic. i know i m fat, but hey, i ate a proper breakfast b4 going to work, and i ate quite normally ytd as compared to the past few days don't u think so? i broke down and cried thinking tt i was like a prisoner, being controlled esp by somebody who is not a professional. i was so so so angry with her i just made a mess out of her bed and threw dirty newspaper on her bed, knowing tt she hates untidiness and uncleanliness. i just cried and cried and couldn't bear the thought of seeing her face. suddenly, i hate her so so so much and i just wish i could stay in other places just to avoid her. why? she is my sis and why am i having these kind of emotions towards her? maybe because she is trying to take away my friend-ED who/which accompanied me for 3+ years at the times when i was most down and lonely; maybe i feel tt i m being treated like a prisoner; maybe she is skinny and i am jealous of her; maybe she is clever and i am stupid; maybe she is unreasonable at times scolding me for sth wrong i did but she herself openly does it herself; maybe she isn't helping me at the right times; maybe she thinks that she is helping me but is in fact making it worse off for me.
whatever the case, i went to work later in the day( though i left early cos i cannot stand being in the same house as her) to BINGE. and somehow like once u start, u can't end even if it reach till the end of the day until u sleep. when i reached home after work, my whole family intended to go for dinner, and i refused to step out of the house with them cos of my sis. so, in the end, my papa stayed home with me (sooooo touched) while they went off. ya, luckily they nv force me or else they see my face so black they surely have no appetite one. thanks, papa! so, i was at home watching 'holes' on channel 5, while i kept searching for things to eat cos my strong urge was there since morning. my food intake today is:

1 char siew pau(small)
2 mian jian kueh
nescafe can coffee
1 cinamon doughnut
1 cheese bun(small)
Mcafe's triple decker(full of fattening cheese, help??)
1 250 ml yoghurt drink
6 butter crackers
1 corm of boiled corn(long)
2 round rice crackers(wang wang brand)
1 kiwi, 1 peach
few mouthfuls of hokkien mee
1 pc of white bread

kk, tt's super duper a lot. i hope tomorrow turns out fine...boo hoo...and now my whole family is ignoring me except my papa just bcos i didn't go out with them 4 dinner? mayb it's my stupid attitude tt needs to be corrected, but i guess i m tt sturbborn and thick skinned. so, hope the nxt few days will just turn out fine for me. pray pray pray!!!

comparisons...not bad...improved....:)

2007-01-12T23:10:00.000+08:00

the initial binge me:

go out late at midnight to 7-11 buy stuff as it's the only store nearby opening 24 hrs when my whole family sleeping
will disappear for a while after bingeing. mum wakes up to see me not at home and starts searching the neighbourhood. even made missing report to police twice. found me at the 21st storey sths as i was really super duper depressed, thought of jumping off but the horrified thought of the body being distangled disgusts me, and i thought i wanted to die nicely and peacefully and not in an ugly way!had a lot of suicide thoughts. attempted twice b4 but failed. if i was dead, how nice life would b hor...
eat a lot a lot a lot when nobody is ard
stuff food into my mouth within secs w/o biting, feel the gastric juice rush up and i can feel my heart buring form the acid in my stomach
scared of facing pple. become isolated.cries a lot

the now binge me:

never go out late alrd. haha, i prefer slp now!gd gd gd...
replace my depression sths with cutting wrist. but this is nth to worry abt cos lotsa pple do tt. i m not tt crazy anw. only do it once in a while when i gets really really depressed and cry non-stop. but hey NO MORE suicidal thoughts. so scary to die...ha, i m becoming a coward...but it's ok, i like, anw, i have my mama to hug!!!
still eat a lot esp when i m not around
got a bit of improvement in not just stuffing everything. sths remember to bite slowly, so tt it can reduce my appetite.
still scared partly cos of hearing pple say i m fat. like no self-esteem when 1st meet pple. avoid pple. cries at times

eh, overall got improve la right?

ok day

2007-01-12T22:52:00.000+08:00

today nothing much. woke up went work at borders. i was considering full time bcos there are just too many part timers here such tt we only got 2 days to work per wk. what kind of money can we earn like tt? a pathetic $36??? woah, i need money to go for treatment leh and now if i go for the hypnotism thing it will b at least $1000. i totally need $$! but i think i m just plain lazy lor, like i was reluctant to change to full time mainly cos i was scared it will b tiring and i will b bored(times when there r not a single soul in sight at the bistro). being bored is a damn sucky feeling. it's prob the main reason why i binge too. but i know tt being in an enclosed area and in work, i can't binge so i know i will prob do IT after work since i was restricted so much and worse still, it will b late at night and eating supper is even more fattening. so how so how? wanna find another part time job now also hard. sian~
today, i ate:

2 thick carrot toast with margarine and jam
4 round rice crackers(wang wang)
1 yam pau
1 200ml daisy choco milk
1 curry puff
1 fried green bean sesame ball
1/2 curry puff
1 apple, 1 kiwi
3 butter crackers

a lot or not huh? ya, jie says so bcos i m NOT SUPPOSED to eat snacks cos i m just TOO FAT.
keeps reminding me tt i m super fat while she is super thin. diary for today ends here. hmm, i think i want to just recall some facts to compare b4 and now to see how well i m doing...

my day was ruined by M&S

2007-01-11T23:14:00.000+08:00

hi, woke up to a normal start today. wanted to go centrept to return my marks and spencer uniform and take my cheque after slogging hard for 4 days for them helping out with the promotion sales they had. however, when i got there, found out they were out 4 lunch. stupid pple, the whole HR dept went out 4 lunch tgt? nice life hor, they all. not like us, have to go for our breaks at ridiculous times like 3.45pm for dinnerbreak alone by ourselves. BIG bully small lor. worse thing is, i wait and wait and wait, paced up and down up and sown for many many times and they still haven't come back. was impatient cos i made an appt with someone at far east plaza at 2pm and it was alrd 2.15pm. so irritated i go and eat. k, so when finally i got to see them come back, i gave them back everything and happily asked for my cheque. STUPID man, they were like saying ok, u can go. UM, where's my cheque, dumb dumb? i slogged so hard for nth? then they were so unfriendly and whatever shit, said ok, must go down by tomorrow to pass them my bankbk to certify tt i worked for them. hello??? what kind of pple are u? u want me to make my trip down here for a hundred times issit? work 4 u still must do those unnecessary things??? and i m working tomorrow? where got time? idiotic pple lor...and when i got out, just suddenly broke up crying cos it was raining so so so heavily tt i could not go to far east w/o an umbrella. like everything was against me! the worst thing is they made me wait 4 so long and even made me binge bcos i HATE waiting and in the end, i couldn't get anything? i m not trying to blame others for my binge, but i didn't have the urge, i swear i would not have eaten if not for the waiting time! and the start of eating will start everything!once it starts, it can't stop! cried and cried, so sick of life, pple around me took a glimpse of me to see if i m crazy or not...:(
my appt-i cancelled it in the end. all thanks to marks and spencer. PPLE, pls don't go to marks and spencer, they are HEARTLESS MONSTERS!just went home to watch tv in the end. sian.
so today i ate:

1 char siew buo luo bun
1 breadtalk thick toast peanut butter\
1 pkt of daisy choco milk
3 sotong balls
1 mini cheese doughnut
3 pcs gardenia milk bread with jam, kaya, magarine, cheese
1 pkt hor fun
3 fried meat dumplings
few mouthfuls hokkien mee

a lot hor? oh ya, chanced upon an article abt hypnotism 2 days ago. saying it cured a girl of her night bed wetting prob. i mean like wow, of this kind od illness a hypnotist can cure, why don't i try? so, called mum and suggested this idea. well, found out tt a session at least cost 200 bucks cash. and min 3 sessions,and this kind of illness will take more than 3 sessions. oh my, like so ex man...i think i will only b prepared to give up this $$ if i switch my job to full time. so now like i m considering it...i shall see how...

docs-yes or no?

2007-01-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

hi....um, today didn't squeeze again. but terrible man. yes, wanted to stay home today to rot cos was feeling lazy. ate breakfast normally, read newspaper, watched a bit of tv, got bored and decided to eat again. then just so "nicely" at the same time, my grandma asked me to but corn for her to cook soup from ntuc, and i thought tt was a gd chance for me to go out and buy some food for myself to binge again. and i open mum's pouch, thinking it was impossible tt there will still b $$ since after i took it 2 days ago to buy food and i confessed to my mother and i thought she will remove it. sian, she didn't. so i took 10 bucks and bought a bowl of noodles for myself and some snacks. went to buy 4D for ah ma, and went back, pretending i didn't eat anything while i was outside, pretending tt i was hungry when i reached home abt 2pm and wolfed down the porridge ah ma has cooked for lunch. oh well. shit. trouble begins.
decided to go guan yin miao at bugis to pray pray for my health. i drew a med lot which says
: THE SICK WILL NOT BE CURED BY MEDICAL TREATMENT. and also : MAXIMUM EFFORT AND WILLPOWER IS NEEDED.
oh wow, i think like tt totally describes me. but i was stunt by the "cannot be cured by medical treatment" i was like thinking of going back to SGH to seek treatment, then after seeing this lot, i decided not to waste $$ and just try on my own, go say more prayers and stuff. after donating some $$, still had some left, go buy more food. shit, no effort, only want to eat. tan chi gui. so the food intake for today is:

4 pcs pf bread with magarine(breakfast)
1 bowl lor mee, 1 bowl pork porrige(lunch)
2 ice cream( 1 choco cone, 1 yam waffer)
2 pcs toast with cheese
3 butter crackers
1 bluberry waffle
4 tau sar piah(even though i hate the taste)
1 coffee ice cream waffer
1 cup milk bubble tea with pearls

terrible right? mum was like msging me keep asking me to go see doc, but i thought it was useless. esp like she so busy with work now, taking leave is impossible and so she can only go with me at night.but might times are for tv shows! i can't really miss them bcos i think it sorta help me calm down also at least it makes me conc and numb my feelings sths. i really won't mind going in the day but it seems our time does not suit each others'. and i totally think there's a gap growing btw us cos i blame her for not having time with me and she thinks when she has free time, i don't wanna go out with her. i know i m at wrong, but sigh, i just feel so sick of everything everyday i don't know how i can help myself. i m so sick of all the priests and the docs she bring me to bcos i know it's not working from 2 yrs of experience and i'm like sorta don't waste ur $$ on them, they r not really helping me. so, what can i do? sit and become obese?
even i m losing interest in exercise and finding jobs like what i used to do to curb my urges. i just let go and let the urges strike me. mayb i like them and i don't want them to go...cos i feel like they r my fren when i m bored and lonely. and i always feel lonely upon going to streets seeing pple with their soulmates and frens while most of the time i m like alone. the more i wanna lose wt, the more i eat. but if i don't think abt losing wt, i also eat. so, what shld i do? i really have no bloody idea what's gonna make me well again. i missed the days when i could enjoy food normally;i missed the days when i can just randomly ask frens out just for a meal but it's impossible cos i would have binged by then;i missed the days when pple tell me i shld eat more instead of i eat less;i missed the days when i can study and play normally;i missed my normal brain w/o the thought o0f FOOD FOOD FOOD.
will my obession with food br stuck with me 4ever?

why?

2007-01-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

hi there, i finally know how to sign in, so i don't need create blogs again to put my new entry in! stupid comp idiot me...only realised it now...
yup...k, so i think like the more i try, the worse i get...life totally sucks. sths the more u want it, the more u can't get it and in fact the worse it gets...
so, today i went 4 job interview at ritz carlton and marina mandarin. but oh well, i guess 99% i will not b employed. there were like 30 over pple applying for the jobs at ritz, and tt is only 1 day. imagine all the other available days for others to apply. oh well, planning to study hospitality management nxt yr if i can(will try my best to cope with ed and studies), so i thought mayb having some experience in the hotel line 1st will b gd, but i doubt it will ever happen esp since i do not have banqueting experience...and the marina mandarin hotel was like damn ulu and the HR pple cannot b bothered with me cos they were celebrating some collegue's bday. oh well, just filled up a form and left...er...nvm
so ya, my binge was not as gd as ytd, but it's more spread out such tt i don't feel so bloated and my mood wasn't tt bad, but still a lot. so here goes:

2 pcs banana walnut bread
1/2 padan kiwi cake
1 coconut tapioca kueh
1 bowl ban mian
1 choco mr softee
1 regular fries
1 tau sar pao
2 slices bread
lots lots lots peanuts
1 pkt chicken flavoured snack
6 pcs butter julir crackers

well, thought tt was all. quickly went to brush my teeth. even swallowed a xando pill to prevent urge. crap...doesn't work, same feeling. waste $$. so, i ate again...

3 mouthfuls of beehoon w curry gravy
2 fishballs, 1 chicken
2 slices banana walnut bread
1 whole egg cake/fa gao(the chinese steamed cake which is big size for praying)

damn bloody shit...like why? today is like soooooooo much...shitty hell....
my sis was like telling or advising me" No More Snacks for u", "cannot eat normal portions of proper meal", "u have to go hungry. it's better than being full"... shit man...those words were deeply etched in my damn head when i was anorexic but now....i will just say WHAT THE HECK and cast these thoughts away. in fact, the more i think, the more i eat. what the hell, when will my bloody sickness ever b under control?

and hoi, singapore general hospital's dr lee ee lian is like doing nothing to help those pple with binge eating disorders. do u realise thatshe only treats anorexic pple and not pple like us, esp those fat ones? yah, so what if we escapes from docs and the hosp? they will only try to pull back those super skinny ones but heck care abt the fat ones...ya, skinny pple can die, but fat pple can die too of heart disease, high bld pressure, clogged arteries, diabetes etc...i know u r busy, but hello? u are a psychiatrist, an ed one somemore, is tt all u can do? ostracise fat pple? u make me look down on u serious, i m not kidding. yes, tt's rude, but don't u know a psychatrist is supposed to counsel and give medication? all u do is to pretend to hear ur patients' troubles and just any-o-how give them medication. u know what, i hate u...

today is not a gd day....

2007-01-09T00:11:00.000+08:00

hihi, stupid man...i created 2 blogs and this is my 3rd one. u know why i need so many? cos i don't know how to post a new entry into my previous ones. cos i forgot my username needed to sign in...stupid la, i hope this works out...cos i really want to have an open diary with no secrets...of course i will have secrets la i.e. the guy i like, the person i hate etc...
anw, today wasn't a v gd day cos i BINGED! again...well, i tried to go school today to pass presents to my beloved teachers who helped me sooooo much durng the preparation for my A-levels. but somehow, my school became a binge place with the cheap food available. like i will have $$ and go ard spending it like mad at every stall so tt all the aunties and uncles will not see me so crazy buy so much food at ont time at one go... so somehow i was like quite afraid to go there, and i binged to ease my fear...and here goes:

8 pcs bread(4 with magaring and kaya)
1 plate of rice with 4 dishes
2 plain pratas with curry
1 plate of black fried carrot cake
1 bowl of chendol
i chocolate truffle
sugarcane drink

think it's like damn a lot cos all at one go..stomach was so damn bloody bloated i couldn't stand. called my mum to ask for help by whining...and she promised to finish her work b4 dropping by to accompany me...so i rotted at the lib, staring at pple, w/o and interest in doing anything, cos i was damn guilty abt what i did...what struck the binge was also cos i was working in marks and spencer and during my breaks, i saw pple eating proper meals like a bowl of noodles or a plate of rice but i could nv do tt bcos i had not enough $$. budget is only $6 and most of the time b4 i reached my workplace, i would alrd have spent some of it and it's like nv enough. don't dare to ask my mother in case i have to much and buy all the small things which is cheap and adds up to a huge amt and it will b even more fattening...stupid me, always trying to binge whenever ther'es a chance...when will tt ever come to a stop?
yah, mum came and fetch me from lib at abt 4.45pm. finally went to school and completed my 'tedious' task. and then went queensway shopping centre bought a pants and earrings. wanted to buy shirt but realised none looks gd on me cos i m fat...sigh sian....have to lose wt but it seems impossible with now my leg like going to crash or sth with all the standing from my jobs...can feel my ankle tendon vibrating now...eeee...sian of exercise...sian of everything
watched so u think u can dance today. sad, IVAN is out...y? he's like damn CUTE...omg...faints* but others r gd man like benji...i support him now...i want to dance now....